Here We Go Again

Have I mentioned before that I like change? I know I have. God must have stopped by and listened when I said it, because, here we go again. The church is changing again.
Over the last few months, we've been settling into the merge with our brothers and sisters in the Mosaic Vineyard. It's been challenging at times, but mostly very good. Just different. One of the best parts of the merge is that we've been reconciled with some old friends and been realizing just how much we missed each other. The other really good part is that we were welcomed so very warmly by the Mosaic family, and made to feel at home.
For the last two years or so, my husband and I knew that things would change again, we just didn't know when. Deep inside, we both knew that our Bridge pastor and his wife wouldn't be staying. We didn't know when they would leave, but we knew they would. It's not that they were unhappy here, Paul and I just had an unshakeable feeling that it wouldn't be long before they let us know they'd be moving on. We were right. They told the church today that they will be moving to Canada to pastor a church there on Prince Edward Island. (Of course, he didn't say it  as bluntly as I just wrote.)
Over the last week or so, I had a few conversations with Tom, our pastor from the Bridge, so I knew he was thinking about taking this position, and then knew he'd accepted it. He asked me to pray for him, and I did. He sought counsel from wise friends and prayed and sought the Lord's will, and he and Nadine feel right about the move. It's a "scary wonderful" kind of adventure for them. Tom says he's dragged Nadine all over the place, and she always goes with him without protest. She loves him, he says. And she passionately agrees.
Today was harder than I expected. I knew what was coming. I knew in my heart for a long time that this would come. I didn't expect to be so emotional about it. Oh well....
At the end of the service, our new family was so loving and supportive. One wanted us to pray for Tom and Nadine right away. Others joined her. I couldn't. One of the women sitting near me slid over and put her arm around me and prayed quietly and gently for the Lord to come and bring His peace. She was so sweet. I noticed that happening all around the sanctuary. Mosaic people loving on Bridge people. It was wonderful to see the caring and support from our new sisters and brothers and to watch them speak words of comfort and to pray.
So things are changing again. I don't like all of it, but I know we'll be alright. More than alright. We're a family, and families help each other and grow closer together when the Lord is the center and the focus. And He is. We all want what He wants and we want to follow hard after Him in all that He has for us.
God stopped by in the middle of it all and moved us all a bit closer to each other and to Himself. I trust Him in all of this. He has a hope and a future for me and for everyone.
I'm blessing Tom and Nadine as they'll be leaving us in a few weeks or months, even though I'm sad about it. I'm blessing Phill and Patti as they stay and move us forward. I can still feel an excitement over what the Lord wants to do in our midst. My hope is that everyone else feels the same way, and that if they don't yet, they soon will.
Thank you Father for the time we've had together. Thank you for all we've learned and for the healing that's taken place. Our little church had been so very broken by things that happened in the last several years. Thank you for bringing Tom and Nadine and their gifts of fathering and mothering the church. They didn't know what they were getting into when they decided to come and be with us, but they gave themselves wholeheartedly to us and all that we needed. We love them for it and we love You for sending them. Please bless them on their journey and prosper all that they put their hands to. I ask in the precious name of Jesus. Amen.
Blessings to all my readers. Thank you for your return visits. I appreciate you!. :0}

Baby Shower, San Diego Style

It's been a week since I returned from a trip to San Diego for my daughter's baby shower. I was gone four days, and it was just not long enough.
It's hard having my youngest child live so far away. It's especially hard now that she's pregnant, and I don't get to share in the day-to-day discoveries of her journey into motherhood. It's hard knowing that this new little one will grow up so far away from us, and that we will only see him or her twice a year. I have to tell you, as hard as I try not to let it, this hurts.
The good thing is that I know my daughter was brought to San Diego by the Lord. He has a plan for her life, and at least for now, it's not on the East Coast. She traveled to California for her own reasons, but she found a deep and wonderful relationship with Jesus when she got there. California is where she landed in a great church, met some wonderful friends, and eventually, her husband. I love the times I get to sit and watch the interactions between Jessica, Doug, and their friends. It's truly inspirational. They have a sense of community that I have rarely seen. They love and depend on each other. They pray for each other and speak into one another's lives. They get together just to have fun and play games and socialize and eat. It is what I think the Lord intends for the church. They live their faith every day, all week long. Their lives are intertwined in ways I can only guess at. They truly support and carry each other in the toughest of times.
One of the girls is having some very difficult health issues. The friends are holding her before the Lord, and even at the baby shower, there where those who gathered around her to pray for healing. Some spent time to just speak words of encouragement to her, or to share what God has said during private time spent with Him regarding her situation. Just glorious.
Planned into every shower is prayer time. This is a time to pray for the one who is being celebrated that day, whether it be a bridal or a baby shower. It's wonderful to hear these women who know the Lord speak blessings over my child. I get to pray too, of course. It's a beautiful tradition that I think should be done at every party, everywhere.
The newest addition to our family is due next month, and I get to return for the birth. I'm so excited to see this little shining one. She or he will bring such joy to us all, as babies always do. Very soon now, my baby will be holding her first baby; what a delight! Whenever I talk about becoming a grandmother, I always share how seeing your grandchild for the first time is just as amazing as seeing your own child for the first time. And how you love that child just as much and exactly the same as you loved your own child when you saw it. And when you hold that baby in your arms, oh how sweet and how joyful that moment is! You never want to let go.
I really do love being a grandmother............even long distance.

Chance Meeting

Adam and I went shopping at Sam's Club the other day. We always talk to strangers; I can't get Adam to stop. Sometimes it irritates me, because I want to get finished and because it's not always safe. We do, however, get to meet some pretty interesting people this way.
Adam did his usual hand waving and "C'mere, C'mere" to a man in the store. He responded by saying hello and coming over after making eye contact with me. I nodded my acceptance of the meeting. He was very nice. Adam asked "What's your name?" and the man responded that his name was Fernando. He asked Adam his name, and they talked for a few minutes. I entered the conversation to translate as neccesary, but Fernando had little difficulty understanding him.
He told me that he used to work with people like Adam In fact, His mother, his father and his sister all also worked with special needs people. His family had all since retired, and his parents are no longer living. Fernando is also a former Marine and Harley Davidson enthisiast. You find out all kinds of things when you spend a few minutes listening to strangers.
I thanked him for his work with our precious ones, and told him he is a blessing to us and to many. I mentioned how unusual it is for so many in one family to work in the same field, and what wonderful hearts they all have.This big, strong, former Marine teared up at my remarks. I asked him to please thank his family for us; people like them are so important to our families.. I told him what a generous, loving person he is and how grateful I was for that. His eyes were full, and so was his heart. We shook hands and parted. You never know who you're going to meet, especially when you take a trip with Adam. Maybe you'd like to join us sometime. :0} Peace and love to my readers today.

Kids, Apple Slices, and a Persistant Father

We had a busy day today; Adam had another doctor's appointment, we went to the bank, we picked up Maggie, and then went shopping for a few things. The kids were so good, and I told them I'd take then for something to eat. Fast food is fast, easy and guaranteed to be popular, so we went through the drive through and then parked to have our lunch. We were enjoying the rest after a lot of walking, and I wanted Adam in particular to sit for a while.
He asked me to open his apple slices, and when I tried, I noticed that they looked funny so I checked the date. It said 4-12. I was upset. Maggie was already eating hers. I took them away from her and checked the date, and it was fine...sometime in June. Relief.
Now I was annoyed. I didn't want to drag the kids out of the car again, I just wanted to sit and enjoy some down time. Adam's leg was hurting, and I didn't want him up. BUT...I wanted to tell the restaurant about the outdated food. But, it's a pain to get him and the baby out of the car; drag Adam out, drag the walker out of the car again, unhook Maggie and get her out of the seat, and then us safely across the busy parking lot. What a pain! At first, it was because I was annoyed, and I wasn't going to bother reporting it. But as I sat there thinking, I became concerned for anyone else who might get served a bad portion of food. Maybe they would eat it and get sick. I felt the need to deal with it, but I was grumbling to myself as I got everyone out of the car. Neither child wanted to be disturbed and protested loudly.
I went inside and asked for the manager. I was going to just tell one of the workers, but I felt the pressure to ask for the manager. Adam and Maggie were patient and waited quietly. A young woman who looked to be in her very early twenties came over and asked if she could help me. I motioned her away from anyone who was nearby and said that I didn't want to make a fuss about it, but that the apples were outdated. I didn't want there to be a problem for anyone else. Upon close inspection, it turns out that the apples weren't expired, I just couldn't see the whole date. She pointed it out to me and they were good until June, but they did look yucky. She said she'd get us another package and check the other portions.
While we were talking, I noticed some distintive scarring on her inner forearms; she was a cutter. Some of the scars were pretty deep. I wanted to say something encouraging to her, but I didn't want to offend her. I thought about it while she was getting us some fresh apples. When she came back, I took her hand and said," I just wanted to say 'God bless you.' I can see that you've been fighting a hard battle, and that you're winning.". She held my hand and didn't pull away. She looked at me and smiled and said "I've been reading my bible every day, and it's really helping me." I was so pleasantly surprised. I said I knew that it does; it always does. I put my arm around her shoulders for a moment and said, "I just want you to know, from one Christian sister to another, I'm so proud of you. So very proud." Her face lit up and we wished each other a nice day; I had to leave and she had to work. A nice young man held the door open for my little troop and we went back out to the car.
I was so thankful to the Lord for prompting me over and over about going inside. I didn't realize it was Him until I saw those scars and heard her response. I've been telling Him lately that I want to make a difference and have those chance encounters for Him, and I almost missed this one.  Even going inside, if I hadn't asked for the manager, I would still have missed this divine appointment. Isn't He so good? He just pricked my conscience until I had to respond. He wanted to give one of His daughters a touch of Himself in her busy day, and He made me available to do it. I am so blessed.
God stops by in so many ways; if I don't pay attention, I just might miss Him.

(for my readers who may not know, a cutter is someone who cuts or slices into their body for various reasons, often to dull the pain of something that hurts much worse and is much deeper than the damage they're doing to their skin. it can be a very difficult behavior to stop)

Memorial Day

 Memorial Day, a day to honor and remember all those who have served and/or are serving in our military. It's a good and right thing to do. Our military personnel,  past and present, deserve our thanks and appreciation.
I always think back during this holiday and the others that are for honoring our heroes and our country; 4th of July, Flag Day, Veterans Day...
Our family has been in this country for a very long time. We go back to before the Revolutionary War on both my mother's and my father's side of the family. My father's mother was a card carrying member of the D.A.R....Daughters of the American Revolution. His family is supposed to have come over on the Mayflower. I haven't researched it so I don't know if it's true. My mother's mother applied to the D.A.R. and was accepted...two ancestors fought in the Revolution and one was a POW. She decided not to join because the women in that chapter were all snobs. Does anyone care about all this? Probably not. But I do.
I am a patriot at heart. I'm proud of my family and the military tradition of so many of our relatives. We have family members who served during WWI, WWII, The Viet Nam Conflict, Kosovo/Bosnia, and the current situation in Iraq/Afghanistan in additon to the Revolution. I am proud of them and their dedication to the USA and freedom. They all volunteered. Paul's family also has many who have served in the military, some of them for life.
I often wish there was something practical that I could do to honor their service, besides attending parades and applauding when the different services go by. I feel it's important to do this, and I have taught my children and grandchildren to do the same. We also salute the flag when it goes by, something that fewer and fewer people do...I don't think it's taught anymore. I even get very teary eyed during the National Anthem. (That's a bit embarrasing)

Paul and I decided that one thing we can do is to pay for their meal when we see a soldier or sailor when we go out to eat. So far, that's only happened in Wendy's and McDonald's but it's a great feeling and they are so appreciative. They thank us and say that we don't have to do that, and we thank them and say that they don't have to do what they do either. It's a very small way to express our appreciation.
On Friday, I took Adam to the doctor. Gavin and Maggie were with us. They were all so very good and I told them I would take them for a treat because they had behaved so well. We got our food and sat down to eat. A minute or two after we settled, a sailor came in for lunch. I went back over to they counter and waited until the girl told him the cost, and then said "I've got this" and handed her the cash. She was surprised, and he was too and said "You don't have to do that". I said that was true but I wanted to and he smiled and put his money away.
We chatted for a minute and he told me that he was a recruiter for the Navy, and that he was going to be at the Airshow that weekend. I told him that we had a lot of military service in our family and how much we appreciate our service people. I mentioned Army and Navy, Master Chiefs and a niece who was a helicopter mechanic, went to Sere School, and served in Kosovo. He was surprised and said "You really do know about it, don't you?" I replied that I knew a bit. He thanked me again and we said goodbye, shook hands, and I wished him luck and "God bless you"; he's headed over to Afghanistan when his tour of recruiting is finished in a few weeks.
It's not much, but it's a nice thing to do. And I get to talk to interesting people that I otherwise would never have met. I will probably never meet them again, this side of heaven, but I'm glad to have made their aquaintance, if only for a few minutes. Try it sometime. I bet you'll like it and it will make you smile. You might even feel good for the rest of the day. I did. :0}

Love and Butterflies

Butterflies. Flittery little things, aren't they? Ever tried to catch one? It's not so easy, is it? But are they ever beautiful. In the last several years, Paul and I have have done our best to make the yard attractive to these little fliers. They've come to mean a lot to us, and as I was pondering their presence out back this year, I realized a few things.

Butterflies have had wonderful intrusions into my life for a long time. Today I realized that it's much longer than I thought.
When I was a child, I was taught not to catch them because of the powder on their wings.  My mother told me that if you hold them and too much of the powder comes off on your hands, they won't be able to fly anymore. If I did manage to catch one, there was always a little powder on my fingertips, and I worried that the poor thing wouldn't be safe. But they always flew away when I let them go. So either Mom was wrong or I never managed to remove enough of their powdery coating to prevent flight. I'm glad about that. I remember that I wanted to catch them so that I could get a better look at them. They're so beautiful.

Many years ago, when I was a new believer in Jesus, I was talking with a friend while our kids were napping. We were standing at the fence between our yards. There was a pretty blue butterfly flitting around us and I asked her if she'd ever had one land on her. She said she hadn't. I hadn't either, but remarked how cool that would be and I wished it would happen some time. A moment later, the butterfly landed on the front of my shorts and stayed there for a few minutes while we just marvelled at the crazy coincidence of the situation. That was the first of many times that butterflies were significant in a season of my life. At the time, I didn't recognize that it was a gift from the Lord.
Years later, I had my first go around with a potentially serious health issue. I had a mammogram that looked suspicious. I had a stereotactic biopsy, and then an excisional biopsy. This was over the course of a few weeks time, and Paul and I were anxious for the results. The result was that a precancerous lesion had been removed during the excisional biopsy. Nothing further needed to be done. While we were going through the process, Paul put in new flower borders around our backyard. I had been asking him to do this for a few years, but he likes to have a straight run when he cuts the grass, and just had no vision for my idea. That year he decided to go for it.
Our neighbor Joe saw him digging up the grass and came over to see what he was up to. He went home and came back with his rototiller. So the work was faster and easier and we ended up with twice as much border as we originally intended. Then Joe asked if we'd like some butterfly bushes. He had too many and was going to pull them out. I said yes, and so he gave us four good sized plants and told us how to care for them. They flowered in a few weeks and we had more butterflies than we'd ever had in any other summer. Paul bought me a beautiful bracelet for my birthday, with butterflies linked together all around it. They had become very special to us. Butterflies reminded us of the goodness of God, the generousity of friends, and our love for each other. Every year since then we've added more flowers that attract them, and avoid using poisons in the yard. 

I've been trying to write a book and not been very diligent about finishing the project. The Lord has faithfully encouraged me, and even sent butterflies to keep me company and amuse me while I was working on it last summer. We have some small, quick varieties that are called skippers. There are two color variations, I think. They remind me of miniature Harrier jets, because of the way their wings stand up. One afternoon, as I was researching and writing while sitting on the steps of our small porch outside the back door, one little flier came and perched on my knee. It sat facing me and looked right at my face. It was most distracting. I had to pay attention to it, and talked to it until it flew away. I went back to my work, thanking God for sending it. It came back again. I stopped working and watched it; it was sitting in almost that same spot on my knee that it was the first time. I thanked it for coming and told it it was welcome to visit again, but that I needed to get back to work, no matter how cute it was or how much I enjoyed its company. It flew away again, but returned three more times! Each time it sat in very nearly the exact spot it had been the first time, looking right into my face. On a few other days last summer, I had other varieties of butterflies land on me. I just love that. It blesses me. One afternoon when I was sitting near the pool and Paul and Adam were swimming, there were two yellow swallowtails that kept flying around me, and one briefly landed on my head. The guys thought that was pretty funny! (I don't wear perfume in the summer, so that isn't the reason.) Why does this happen? I can't say for sure, but I think the Lord has just been showing me His love and encouragement, and using something that I can't miss. Whatever the reason, I really enjoy the visits, and maybe they do too. Thank you, Father. I love my gifts.

these are silver-spotted skippers on a stonecrop flower in my front yard

Is It As Big As Uncle Mike?

"Everything is relative". I have heard people say this, and have said it myself. It's very true. I've been thinking today about how my grandson Gavin relates big things to his uncle.

 My son-in-law Mike is 6'5". That's rather tall by anyone's standards, but according to Gavin, that's REALLY BIG. Whenever you talk about something as being really big, he'll ask, "Is it as big as Uncle Mike?"  You can tell him that it's as big as the car, or as big as the dog, or as big as the house or anything else relative from your point of view, but he will ask again, "Yeah, but is it as big as Uncle Mike?" He relates large size to his uncle because Gavin is only 5 years old, and to him, Uncle Mike is a giant.  My daughter told me a story of how one time, in a store, they saw a man who was at least 7 feet tall. Gavin asked, "But is he as tall as Uncle Mike?" There was no explaining to him that the man was taller than Mike, because no one is taller than Uncle Mike! As far as Gavin is concerned, Mike is the biggest person he's ever seen. I love this exchange whenever it happens, because it is just so typical of kids to cut to the heart of a matter in accordance with their perspective of things. Uncle Mike knows this about Gavin too, and he is really gentle and tender-hearted toward him, and squats down as low as he can to relate to Gavin face-to-face. There's no fear between them, so please don't misunderstand what I'm relating here. I'm simply talking about perspective.

Sometimes things seem so big to us,  we can't believe we can deal with them. There doesn't seem to be any way to get over the mountain to a better place.  A person we're dealing with is too overpowering for us.  A situation is more than we can handle.

"There are giants in the land", came the report from some of the spies that were sent to check out the Promised Land before God's people went in to occupy the territory. You can read about this in the bible in the book of Numbers, chapter 13. Ten of the twelve who were sent to check out the territory before God's people went there, came back with a report that the food was great but the people were too big."there are men of great stature"  "There we saw the giants.." Num. 13:32 They were afraid to go in to the place that the Lord was sending them to as their new home. Two came back with a good report, that the food was great and that they were able to go in and take the land. " The LORD is with us. Do not fear them." Num.14:9
How big is your giant? How high is your mountain? To what do you compare your circumstances?
Are you like Gavin, who relates everything larger than he can imagine to the one person who is the biggest he's ever seen? Mike is literally two times taller than Gavin is, and outweighs him by more than two hundred pounds. That's really big to a five year old.
But if you're reading this, you're probably not a five year old. So to what do you compare your problems? What is bigger than you can deal with? How high is your mountain? How big is your giant?
There's another story in the bible about a boy who dealt with a giant. That one was named Goliath and he was 9 feet tall! The boy who faced him in combat was probably only 5and a half feet tall or so...he couldn't wear the king's armor that would have protected him, because it was too big for him.  Turns out he didn't need it anyway. He went out in the power of the LORD and killed his enemy with a sling and a stone.
Perhaps your perspective comes from previous experience, much like Gavin's perspective comes from what he knows. But you're not 5 years old any more, and maybe it's time to develop some new ways of relating to your circumstances. Things aren't always as they seem. Mountains can be climbed, gone around, or tunneled through. People can be related to from a different point of view than you're currently holding. Giants are only as big as you allow them to be. Problems can often be solved if you're willing to look at them differently and maybe even ask for a little help.
Gavin and Mike. One small, one tall.  Gavin won't always relate big things to Uncle Mike. But for now, he does, and I love it. It's one of those priceless things of childhood that you hope you don't forget. I hope this blesses you today. Peace and blessings to you and yours. Hold them close while you can.

It's Nurses' Week: Thanks, Mom

 My Mom was a nurse back in the days when the only specialty care unit was the ICU. No CCU, no burn units, nothing. They did it all. They treated their patients with patience and kindness and skill. They held hands, soothed foreheads, changed beds, fed those who couldn't feed themselves. They gave meds, did paperwork, and drank gallons of coffee to stay awake on the graveyard shift. Nurses aides were just as valuable as the nurses. One of my mom's friends who was an aide went on to college and became a nurse herself. They were life long friends and occasionally defied doctors.

There was no jewelry allowed to be worn except for their wedding bands. No nail polish either, and they wore their caps every day.The different nursing schools and programs each had their own cap design. Dresses were pure white and so were their stockings and shoes.They could wear only white sweaters when they were cold. Mom wore a timex with a sweep second hand. She had her own stethoscope, and she covered the metal parts with I.V. tubing because she was allergic to the metal. I remember when ear piercing became popular, and all the girls in her unit pierced each others' ears.They all wore their hair in such a way as to cover their ears. Before long, the hospital looked the other way; times were changing. But nothing dangling, please. Post or small hoops only.

As time went by and things changed even more, the nurses began to wear scrubs; they were hospital issue and the women wore their uniforms to work and changed when they got there. But they still wore their white shoes. I remember how there would be liittle black stains on the toes of my mother's shoes whenever she had a burn patient. They were treated with silver nitrate, and she often got splashed during dressing changes. I won't describe the treatments, but she would speak about it and it always bothered her. I could listen to her tell ICU stories for hours. When I was about 16, I remember sitting in the kitchen with her when she would come home from work in the morning; I learned so much at that table. My older sister has it now. If it could speak..... I have the earrings she wore to work every day; what a treasure they are to me!
One of the hardest things she ever had to do was to care for my older brother when he smacked his motorcycle into a telephone pole. He entered the ICU as a head trauma patient and remained in a coma for 10 days. He had a serious brain stem injury. She went to work every day and refused to take the leave for family personal needs that was offered to her. Who would care for her son better than she would? Under her expert care and mother's love, my brother survived his accident and went to a rehab facility for further treatment.
After nearly 18 years as an ICU nurse, my mom decided she had enough of trauma and death, and transferred to OB-GYN. She wanted to finish her career in the place of life and new beginings. She absolutely loved it there, and retired after 7 more years of service to others. Great job, Mom! You rocked your world.

 Nurses are truly heroic...if you are blessed to know one, hug her or him, and give them an extra one from me!

The Face of God

"If you're seeking the face of God, and instead find His hand, just look up; it's not that far away." Bill Johnson. My quote may be a slight paraphrase, but it is the essence of what he says. And it's so true!
He's talking about something many of us have been taught over the years; that we shouldn't seek God's hand, we should be seeking His face. Meaning that we shouldn't be looking for what He can give us, but seeking Him for who He is. Sounds good, but it's just a religious exercise.
I was contemplating this truth this morning during some time with the Lord. It seems to me that God is One, He is whole, and if we find Him in part, we find all of Him. It's our awareness that changes as we get to know Him, but He doesn't change. ( this may be someone else's teaching as well, no plageurism intended)
Isaiah 49:16 says, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands... Apparently it's okay with the Lord of the universe if we like His hands. He says that we're carved into them. It's a place of safety and rest. I know I'm oversimplifying this, but it's still true. If I only seek God for what He can give me, I believe I will still end up in the right place, because He will still give me His love and protection. He said so. And when I know that I'm loved, that draws me to the one who loves me. And I get to know Him better.
What all of this does for me is to put my heart at peace. I can rest instead of striving to do whatever is exactly right according to what someone tells me is right. I can rest in the knowledge of the love of God and remember that He loves me, not because I earned His love, but that He loves me and that's why He created me. He's got a book that tells me these truths; it's up to me to pick it up and actually read it and discover the truths buried therein. I'm on a treasure hunt today; I'm reading and re-reading Psalm 27.(thanks Sonia!) Would you like to join in the search? I bet God will stop by when you do.
Peace and blessings to all my readers.

I Am Loved. And So Are You.

I was talking with my one of my sisters tonight. She lives in Pennsylvania and I live in New York. Our other sister lives in North Carolina. We each love the place where we've made our home. We don't love that we're so far away from each other, but life is like that.
While we were chatting, I was reflecting on the busyness of my life this year. My sisters and I have plans to attend a conference in Pennsylvania. In addition to that, Paul and I have been invited to four weddings! One was this month.We have two more weddings in August, which is also our wedding anniversary month, and the month our newest grandbaby is due. The fourth wedding is in October, which is also the month of the conference. 
There are so many things I would like to do in addition to all these, but there aren't enough days off or enough money to spread around so many wonderful occasions. Choosing which to say no to is going to be very difficult.
I think for starters I can say no to the bridal shower invitations. That cuts down on some expenses. The next problem is the two weddings in August are one week apart, and the due date of our grandbaby is two weeks before them.  I hope to manage to arrive in time to attend the delivery of said baby. My daughter and her husband asked me to be there for labor and delivery, and I wouldn't miss that for anything! (barring flight difficulties, I WILL be there in time!)
I realize that all this activity, along with some other important events that I have sceduled, is in spite of all the negative things that are happening around the country. All the nasty political stuff, the economy being in such bad shape, joblessness, injustices, media bias, wars and rumors of wars; in spite of all these and more, life goes on. People fall in love and get married. Babies are conceived and born. Conferences are held and attended. People stay married for 42 years.(that's us) There is still a great deal of good, love, and happiness in this world. We just need to take a breath, step back a minute, and take a good look. There is beauty to behold in every simple, regular day. There is something to be thankful for every minute. I'm thankful to be alive. That's no understatement. I survived cancer. I also survived some very reckless times when I was much younger. I have three wonderful daughters and their husbands and children to be grateful for. My husband loves me. That's nice to know after so many years together. He still tells me too.
And I realize that all these invitations tell me something about myself. I am loved. I'm not invited because of obligation. I'm invited because I'm wanted. I treasure that knowledge. I never thought of it that way before, that I'm invited places because I'm loved. Maybe that wasn't always true. It is now. And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful too that I realize it.
Take a look around today and see where you're loved. It may surprise you. In fact, I hope it really does. If you can't see that, look up at the sun or the moon, and know that the One who made them made you too. Just because He loves you. And He always will. If you never did before, I hope you realize that today. Thanks for stopping by. You're always welcome here.

Good Friday

Good Friday.This is the day Jesus defeated death. He defeated our enemy, satan. He laid it all down for you, me, and every other person who ever lived or was yet to be born. He decided that His Father's will was more important than His own will, as He struggled with fear in the garden of Gethsemane. "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." And a little while later, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." And drink it He did. Jesus, the Perfect Sinless One, drank the cup of death so that you and I would never have to taste its bitterness.
And so He defeated death. He tasted and we don't. That's the best exchange ever. We sin, He took the punishment. Forever. Don't ever think that your sin is bigger than the cross and the One who hung there for you.
Good Friday...the day Jesus said, as so many warriors before Him, "It's a good day to die." And He laid down His life for us all. He fearfully, passionately, compassionately, chose His battle and won! He is the Ultimate Warrior.
A very Blessed and wonderful Easter season to all. Remember why we celebrate.

Are You The 1% Who'll Repost This?

Repost or else.... I get really annoyed by so much of what goes around the internet that is supposed to show whether I have a heart or not. Whether I care about cancer patients or not. Whether I love God or not. If I think it's wrong to bully others. If I care about abused women, children, cats, dogs, horses, etc. The list goes on and on.
Most of them end something like this...."I know there are only about 1% of you out there who care enough to repost this. I bet my friends are that 1%." Or " If you really love Jesus, you'll post this." The newest one just added; "And He saw you reading this."
GEEEEZZZZ! When are we gonna cut ourselves some slack? Do you realize that you just got bullied by someone who posted this? And that when you repost it, you're bullying your friends? How is it that some unknown somebody gets to have so  much control over what you think about yourself? You feel like you're somehow wrong if you don't repost. So this gets perpetuated for the next century because we have no sense of who we are.
I love Jesus. He knows that. Most of my friends know this about me also. I don't need to repost this or that in fear that Jesus will be disappointed in me. I don't need to repost it in case my friends know I got it and didn't send it out. Or back. Or whatever else the internet monster wants me to do. I love and care about cancer patients, cats, dogs, horses, women, children, and even men. Whether I repost or not, it doesn't change anything in their lives. Or mine.
How about if we actually like the post, but it has that judgmental tie at the end? We can copy it in a better form to say what we really feel. And we leave off the guilt provoking, bullying sentence or two at the end of the post. That way, we really get to say something nice. And someone else can post it or not. It doesn't really matter, does it?
btw...be sure to repost this. but if you don't, nothing bad will happen to you. ;0}

Waiting

Waiting, and waiting...and waiting some more. I've often heard it said that there are three answers to prayer; Yes, No, and Wait. I've said this myself, even though it's really an over simplification of the process of praying through something until its finish is revealed.
I've been praying for healing for Adam for a very long time. I've often wondered why the answers I want don't come when I want them. I've wondered a lot of other things too.
This morning I was wondering to the Lord about this and the Bethel trip; I never asked Him if we should go, and when I finally thought about that I had already bought the plane tickets and arranged everything with my daughter and her friends. So I told the Lord I was sorry for not asking Him about the whole thing, and asked Him to bless the journey. Don't we often do things this way? But then I went feeling good about everything and expecting good things from the Lord.
As I got quiet before the Lord today, I heard His voice deep inside me, "I took Adam three thousand miles to fulfill a prophecy to Bethel."
Slowly, quietly, I realized the reason for the long wait for the healing of Adam's spine to begin. God had a plan. It wasn't my plan and He didn't need my advice. He only wanted my cooperation, which was simple trust and patience. He was working out greater things for His Kingdom than I could begin to ask or imagine. Just like He tells us in Ephesians 3:20-----"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us......"
His power at work within us. It's different in each one. His power in me was for patience in the waiting, and for holding on to what I believed was best for Adam, among a few other things.  His power at work in me was also to bring Adam to Bethel to fulfill the prophecy that they would begin to see people with disabilities pray for each other, and healing would happen. His power at work in Olive was to bring healing to Adam and to show the beginning of the fullness of that prophecy.
I didn't know about the prophetic word until after I came home from California and was contacted by the pastoral staff for some additional information regarding Adam's condition and how he was doing. Also to ask if I would send updates after he saw a doctor. In talking with Vince, and sharing what happened while we were there, I learned of God's word to their church.(You can read all these accounts in several older posts, especially Sunday Morning Prayer at Bethel, and Bethel Follow up.)
Waiting. So hard sometimes. Waiting. So worth it sometimes. Thank you Lord for stopping by this morning to show me your ways once again. Thank you for doing beyond all I could ask or imagine. Thank you for all you're still doing.
I've heard testimonies of jewels dropping from heaven. I got one this morning.
Love and blessings to all my readers. Thank you for stopping by.

Just An Observation

I've been sharing Adam's story of the healing of his back with different people. There are many different reactions; all positive so far. As I share this, and talk about the prayer session Sunday morning at Bethel, I always share about the young woman with Down Syndrome who prayed for him. I'll call her Olive. Whenever I think of her, that's the name that comes to mind, and so she will always be in my heart. Unless I meet her again and find out her real name.
I was telling the whole story of the visit to Adam's doctor to a friend, and how he had nothing much to say about the amazing change in his spine. She remarked as to how could he not say anything after such a dramatic difference. How could he not believe in a miracle? Then I shared about Olive and her compassion for Adam,and  how she just reached out her hands and wanted to bless him. And that it was after this prayer time that he began to declare that he was healed.
My friend asked me if I thought Olive was an angel. I said no, that she was a person like you and me. I felt no difference. She remarked that sometimes angels come and we don't recognize them. I said, no, it was just a young woman and that I felt no supernatural presence. She walked away, commenting that no, she thought it was an angel. And ended the conversation.
Belief and unbelief are strange bedfellows. She couldn't understand how the doctor had no comment on Adam's huge physical change; she couldn't believe that God worked His healing power through someone with disabilities.
I wonder how many of us feel the same way? We limit God's ability to do mighty things, depending on the vessel He chooses to use. I could go on and on, but you get my drift.
Ask yourself that question, and see where you limit His ability to move your mountains. I know I'm asking. Maybe God has been stopping by, but we've been too blind to see Him.

People get ready; there's a change a comin'....

Beyond Diagnoses: A Different Way

Today Adam had a visit with his orthopedic surgeon. He's a wonderful doctor who has taken care of Adam for many years. He is kind and patient and always speaks to Adam and tries to understand him before he turns to me for help. I truly appreciate that. He respects Adam as a person.

For the last few years, three for sure and perhaps one or two more, we've had an ongoing dialog about Adam's need for spine straightening surgery. Due to Adam's neurological issues and to some shunt surgeries that he's had, he developed scoliosis and kyphosis, a curvature and twisting of the spinal column. When scoliosis occurs due to growth and bone issues, the curve stops worsening when the child stops growing. Not so for children like Adam whose underlying cause is neurological. Then the curve will continue to worsen with time, and can become so severe as to cause organ damage and death. Adam's physician has been very concerned for him as his curve began worsening more swiftly in the last year and a half, and was now at forty two degrees.

I have been refusing this surgical intervention and discussing it rationally with his doctor.In order to straighten out Adam's curve, they would have to open his entire spine, base of neck to lower back. There would be rods and screws screwed into his bones to hold everything straight. He would never be able to completely twist or turn again. The recovery time, they say, is six to eight weeks. The physical therapists say it's more like a year. I said "NO."
Adam has had a few dangerous trips to the O.R. for his last few shunt surgeries, and we nearly lost him twice. His neurosurgeon and neurologist have both agreed with me that to wait until there was no other choice would be in Adam's best interest, but when you speak with a surgeon, they come from a completely different point of view. They believe it is better to fix it before it gets too difficult and dangerous to fix. I hear that. I understand that. I just don't agree with that. Dr. Persistant has had many conversations and been very patient with me as he explained his point of view. I always came back with, "Can you promise me you won't put him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life? Can you promise me that he won't die on the table?" His answer was always, "No, I can't" My answer was always, "Then I can't either."
Today was quite a different story. Since our visit to Bethel Church in Redding, Adam has been doing so much better, as you know if you've been following my blog. (If not, please go to older posts as there is too much to repeat.) The pastoral team there has continued to pray for Adam until he would have this appointment. I have had hope, and I have seen improvement in the scar on his back where it twists so badly, but I can't say I had super faith for an improvement that would impress his doctor.
Adam had spinal x-rays, as he does every time he goes for the last several years. We went to the examination room to wait for Dr. Persistant to come and see him and his films. He came in and spoke with us for a few minutes, and then went to the computer and looked up the scans.
"The lateral (sideways) film looks great!(I thought it did too. It shows the twist.) Let's get a look at the other one." (The front view which shows the curve.) He looked at it and began the measurements that would tell him how much worse the curve had gotten or if it stayed the same. It looked pretty good to me from the last time we were in, about five and a half months ago. "It's measuring in the low thirties", and he stopped measuring. The low thirties. That means about ten degrees less than the last time we were there. I asked, "Wasn't it in the forties the last time we were here?" (Which I knew it was) He said yes. And that was all. He turned to us to talk about some other issues that needed addressing, but Adam was just getting started. "I got prayer. I got prayer!" he told Dr. Persistant. He looked at me for the interpretation. "My back is all better! No more pain!" Adam continued. He understood that. "I'm really glad, Adam", he said. Adam told him, "We flew to church." So I had to explain the flight, the trip to Bethel,and the Healing Rooms in as few minutes as I had his attention. I couldn't explain it all as he wasn't interested, but he listened a little and then got back to business.
I think it's important that I share something else. I've been hearing reports for the last year or so about people who've had metal dissolve out of their bodies after having been prayed for. This wasn't at Bethel, but it stirred me up to pray a bit differently as I prayed for Adam. Instead of just praying for healing, I began to pray something like this; "Lord, if You can dissolve metal out of people's bodies, then why would I let Adam have this terrible surgery? Why put it in if You can and do take it out? I'm holding out for the miracle before, not after." It gave me faith to hold on for more every time I heard of another one. You can go on http://www.youtube.com/ to see some reports of this if you like.
I know some who read this will think I'm crazy, but I don't care. Adam is better. It's measurable.  You can deny belief in God, but you can't deny what He's done. Or perhaps you can explain it to me. His doctor couldn't. But I'm willing to listen.
I can't answer the question of why healing doesn't always happen. I can't answer the queston of why it happened this time. I won't even try. I'll leave it up to the mysteries of God stopping by and doing what He does best. Loving His children. Thanks for reading my post today. I pray God blesses you and touches your heart as you read. And that He stops by your house today. Love, Ginnie

Here is some testimony from Bethel Church!

Curtains and Colored Pencils

My daughter Jennifer stopped by today to pick up some curtains that I keep forgetting to give to her. We were looking though my fabric stash and talking about projects and colors and our conversation migrated to things that are happening in our church and things we want to be doing. She and I both have a strong feeling about doing art during the service. I've been encouraging her for a number of years to start drawing and painting again, and she has been holding back. I want to learn how to draw, and have made some sketches, but I don't know what I'm doing and well...

For Christmas this year, Jen gave me two art kits to get me going. One is watercolors and the other is a drawing set. They both have instruction books with them. They are still unused. But I will get around to using them. We were talking about how we want to see more of a release of the arts in our community,and both of us have the desire to get things going. I was encouraging her about doing prophetic portraits.  It's a way to speak encouragement to someone else, by asking the Lord to give you a picture for them, and then drawing that picture and telling them what it means. She didn't quite understand, so as I was about to give her a picture of what you might see and then draw, the Lord gave me something else entirely. As I shared it with her, I realized it was for her. I decided to give it a try myself and as I talked with her I drew what I was seeing. It was a cut watermelon, red ripe and juicy, and the juice and seeds were spilling out onto the table it was sitting on. As I spoke, I got more understanding. I wrote the interpretation on the drawing and gave it to her. As I try to share what it means, I can't remember it precisly, but it was overall about the sweetness that pours out of her, and the seeds spilling out are what she sows into the kingdom. If you want to know the rest, you'll have to ask her. I think it's for Jen to share or ponder to herself. We decided that we'll bring sketch paper,and charcoal and colored pencils to church with us tomorrow and see what happens.

When she went home, she called me right away. For the first time in all the years she's lived in her home, she saw the woodpecker she hears every year. It was a little red-headed one. It was happily pecking away, lookin for bugs in the little pile of wooden stakes that she has for her garden. When she went inside, her son saw my picture of the watermelon, and said "Oooo watermelon! I'm hungry" She wanted to encourage me that someone else knew what my sketch was without being told, and to tell me about the Lord's surprise for her.
How God does stop by when we least expect Him! John Paul Jackson often refers to Him as "Jehovah Sneaky". I think he's right on the money with that.
I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. We're excited and can't wait! For me, it seems that my Great Adventure with the Lord is gaining momentum. What a ride!

A Better Way

I'm finding such a change in our household since our Bethel trip. Adam has always loved worship, but now I can see day to day how much it affects him. Most mornings since our return , we've been watching worship videos to begin our day. When we do, the day goes so much better. Adam is more focused and cooperative, and less moody. When we don't, I see old behavior patterns return, which I don't like. He becomes disagreeable and refuses to cooperate, yells and speaks at a volume that is unbearable to most of our family, and will not settle down at all. The stress level in our home threatens to return to pre-Redding conditions.
Regular t.v. often seems to un-bless him. And his taste in programs has changed. For the better, but it's hard sometimes to find something that he can watch, so we've been watching more worship and movies that we have on dvd. What a change for us! Things are so much better. Now I need to purchase more music videos for him. There is a Christian music channel on cable, but while it's great listening, it's boring to watch; no videos. This is the kind of problem that I like; needing to find more things out there to bless him. It's really about what's most important in our lives, and putting that (Jesus)first.

California was an expensive trip, but the cost was so worth every penny spent. We will go again, I'm sure. Adam often wants to know when we will be flying to church.I tell him, "One day. but I'm not sure when." I'm hoping for a big change in atmosphere here in our own corner of the world. God can do it, we just need to cooperate and see what He's about. Love, putting God first and honoring others will bring about this change. Our church is going for this in every way we can. I am too. I hope everyone will join us in this expedition to  a greater Love. We CAN change the world. We're just working on our island first.

Bethel Follow Up

When Adam and I were at Bethel on Sunday morning, I filled out a prayer request form. I heard from them today! They were following up to let me know there is a team interceeding for him and to ask how he's doing. I had a lengthy conversation with Vince, the young man who called, and discovered that he's from Holbrook! For those who don't know, that's about a 10 minute ride from where I live. He knows Jason, our friend who's attending the ministry school at Bethel, and is in a fellowship group with him. He asked me so many questions and was so interested in all that's happened and is ongoing with Adam. I told him that anyone who meets Adam never forgets him, and he laughed and said that was true, people there know who he is when they're praying for the requests for him.
Something wonderful happened as we were speaking; I told him about the young woman with Down Syndrome who prayed for Adam on Sunday morning. I told him that I found it very interesting that it was after she prayed for him that Adam began to declare "I got healed today! I got healed today!" He got very excited as I was telling him the story. There was a prophecy given at Bethel by a man named Paul(I can't remember his last name). He said that they would begin to see people with intellectual disabilities pray for each other, and they would be healed!!!!I almost jumped out of my skin with joy. If you haven't read my previous post about Sunday morning, please do. The Lord is confirming over and over to me about His desire for His special ones to move in their giftings. This one conversation has stirred me up again and I can't wait to get moving on the how to accomplish this for Him. And them. I got goosebumps all over when Vince told me about the prophetic word...I am ecstatic over the confirmation of this call on my life and Adam's as well. God stopped by in such a powerful way this afternoon.I hope He does the same for you when you read this. Love to my readers and joy overwhelming.
p.s. I should also add that Adam has had about a 90% reduction in the pain in his back since Sunday morning.......an increase in his speech abilities, and a lessening of his anxiety.

Your Countenance Has Changed

Your countenance has changed. I heard that today for the second time in my life. The bells and sirens went off inside me immediately, before anything else was said. The first time I heard it was in a very difficult time, when I was totally isolated from most friends and family. It was following a season of many surgeries for Adam, and I hadn't slept through the night in months.On a good night he would wake up three times, on a bad night he was up every half hour. There had been a time of tremendous oppression in our household as I was contending for Adam's life. He was still very ill and using a wheelchair for the first time. He couldn't walk, couldn't lift himself to transfer from one place to another, and we all had to learn so many new things .He couldn't go to school and we had teachers and therapists coming in to help him. His physical therepist kept telling me he would never walk again. Our lives had totally changed and I was tired and weak and afraid. And isolated. I rarely went out. Six months later, I heard for the first time, "You know, your countenance has changed."
To say that I became angry is an understatement. I was furiously angry. And I let that person have it with both barrels. I let out all the anger, pain, disapointment and rejection I was feeling, and received a sincere apology. I forgave, but it took a long time to feel it.
Your countenance has changed. Isn't that an unusual way of speaking? I heard it for the second time at church today. This time, it came with a loving hug and a question.."Has something changed? Are you doing better? You look so different." And the wall came down. The bells and sirens were silenced. It wasn't a judgment or criticism, it was an expression of love and acceptance. I don't think my answer mattered as much as the way I felt and was able to receive what was said. The truth is, my countenance has changed. I received some priceless prayer while I was at Bethel Church, and I felt so validated by Father God through the words that were spoken by a young woman named Kate. She spoke prophetically about what she saw, and I could see in my spirit what she was saying. She saw jars that the Lord has for me, each one holding something different. They look a lot like a jar that a friend, Olivia, made for me last year. The content is between me and Him, but the things she told me brought such healing and just washed me clean from years of rejection and old wounds. She loved like Jesus loves and spent time to be sure I received it. Thank you Kate. I was blessed beyond all expectation.
The words I heard today brought blessing and healing. I do feel differently than I did before I went to Bethel. I'm settling in to the new church. Good things are happening and I feel freer than I have in a long time. That freedom has been three years in the making. Thank you Tom, for ringing the bell of love and liberty.  Thank you Phill, for speaking words that washed over me and brought healing. This restoration that's happening is good for us all. I hope many more are blessed by it. I am so thankful.

This and That: Bethel Scenes

We came home early Monday morning after our adventure to Bethel Church in Redding, California. It's a wonderful place where people learn to love like Jesus loves and to honor each other and anyone else the Lord puts in their path. What an amazing difference that makes in the atmosphere and how a visitor feels. It is rare that Adam and I have felt so loved and welcomed outside of our own little corner of the planet. I was not worried about his behavior disturbing anyone else, and I wasn't worried about needing to take him out of the sanctuary if he was noisy. I didn't feel the judgment or the irritation that we have sometimes experienced when we visit someplace new. It was so refreshing to be able to just deal with Adam and his needs and not worry that he was too noisy every time he squeaked or got excited. He was accepted and loved for who he is. Bill Johnson and his staff have learned, and have taught their church so well, to honor every person.

We attended the Friday night service, the Saturday morning Healing Rooms, and Sunday service. Adam may have had more prayer for healing in the three visits to Bethel than he's had in his entire life. That's because they not only take every opportunity to pray, but they also stayed with him for a long time to soak him in the Lord's presence and to keep listening to the Father for His direction and desire. And so many people wanted to pray for him! I had to fend them off sometimes because he was so tired. I never experienced that before. (People often avoid praying for him , I think because they're afraid of failure. I understand that.)Adam continues to be extremely boistrous and excited when he's getting a lot of attention. And it's hard for someone who doesn't know him to understand how this affects him. I have to say that I was also very tired after the meetings. We had intended to go to a concert/fundraiser for the school that's part of this ministry, but after the time spent in the Healing Rooms on Saturday we had lunch and went back to the hotel and slept. When evening came we were still too tired to do anything but get some food and bring it in for dinner. Adam didn't think we needed to stay in, but I was tired. We rested and spent time with friends who traveled to Bethel to be with us and pray for Adam.

Jessica, my youngest daughter, and her friends, Natalie, and Ella and Caylao, Ella's baby daughter, flew up from San Diego to Sacramento and met us at the airport. We rented a car together and drove up to Redding. You can get a connecting flight, but it would have cost too much. It was nicer anyway to drive together and spend time talking. I rarely get to see them. All of them work and took time out of their busy schedules to be with us. Jessica is an audiologist, Ella is a college professor, and Natalie is a doctor. Not so easy to get all of our scedules to jive, but from the time they heard I was thinking of bringing Adam to Bethel, they were praying about going and for the break in their routine to be able to come. God is so good!
It was terrific to have these women who love Jesus as our companions in this part of Adam's journey to wholeness. They are seasoned intercessors and kept us in prayer before, during and after our time there. You can't ask for better than that. It was fun having meals together and getting to know each other a little more. Caylao is so cute and sweet and she was so good! It's not easy being eight months old and doing all that travelling and being away from everything familiar. She smiled all the time and rarely cried.
Our friend's son, Jason, is a student at the School of Ministry at Bethel. He did everything he could to help us while we were in town. He gave us the service times and advice on how early we needed to arrive to get good seats. He spent time with us and listened to Adam and really gave him so much attention..I think he was probably as tired as I was some of the time. He joined us in the healing rooms and spent time talking with Adam even though he wasn't officially allowed to minister at the time. He introduced us to some of his friends who were also very good with Adam. After the Sunday service, I went into the bookstore, which is surprisingly small for such a large facility. It was really crowded. Jason and his friend Kyle were in there, and Jay offered to take Adam into the hallway for me so that I could have a few minutes to find what I wanted to buy. When I went out into the hall to find them, they were gone. I looked in the coffee shop area, outside, in the sanctuary, and then decided to text Jay. His friend Kyle came up to me and said they needed to leave and could I come and get Adam. "Sure! Where is he?" Jay had taken him for a behind the scenes tour of the sanctuary. What a great time Adam had with them! It was difficult getting him to let them leave.
We met nearly every person who walked by us, as Adam greets everyone and says "C'mere! C'mere!" And many people just do. That never ceases to amaze me. We met guys from the worship team, people from Norway, Italy, and countless other places, security guards, the electrician, custodians, and assorted others who blended together after a while. Wonderfully kind, all of them.
The first night, the worship team was practicing when we went into the sanctuary. We were the first to arrive and got to sit three rows from the front. The first two are reserved. Adam walked up and watched the band for about ten seconds and started blessing them with "Whoosh! Whoosh! Fire! Fire!" as he raised his hands over his head and then bent forward to be sure the blessing flowed. I wasn't sure what to expect, if they might be annoyed, as they were praying before practice, but they just looked at him and smiled and laughed and received what he was sending. Worship was fantastic and later, during the sermon, Adam sat quietly and absorbed all he could. The girls were amazed at his ability to stay focused for so long...an hour and a half. It really is remarkable, but he can concentrate for much longer periods of time when the Spirit of the Lord flows with power. And He was.
That's it for tonight; I just wanted to share some more of our trip with you. I hope you're enjoying the journey with us. Peace, blessings and lots of love to all my readers. xoxoxo