Goliath

  So we spent most of the day at the hospital. When that happens, it's kind of like watching reruns, only the faces change. The story is predictable, because we've seen it so many times, but then, every once in a while, something happens that we forgot about, and we get surprised. Sometimes that is pleasant, sometimes not so much. Today the surprise was good. We got to go home.
  I could turn this into a rant about everything that did not go well, but that would be so ungrateful and unloving. Instead, I am thankful for the nurse who started Adam's IV with one stick of the needle. I am thankful for the doctors who patiently listened to him as he tried to speak with them. I am thankful for the technicians who thought Adam was a lady-killer and knew he liked the pretty nurses. They teased him and joked with him as they prepared him for the CT scan. Adam was laughing, and it made him relax and hold still so that the test did not have to be repeated. These young men were not much older than he is. As I write this I am tempted to go to the place of disappointment for all the things Adam doesn't get to do...like college and driving and dating, but instead I will turn my thoughts to the fact that he is graduating from his educational program in June. He is 21 years old. We have had a few times when we did not think he would make it to that birthday. And we are so thankful to the One who has made it possible for him to still be here with us. He stopped by this morning and made that possible again.
  Adam woke up at 3:00 this morning and within a very few minutes began screaming in pain from a headache.  There was absolutely no consoling him or helping him, and I knew we needed to get him to the hospital, and quickly. That kind of pain indicates that his shunt is not working and this can quickly become a life and death situation. I could not even put his braces and shoes on him, because the pain in his feet was unbearable. He also has peripheral neuropathy, and this time the pressure in his head intensified the problem in his feet. Paul had to lift him into the car when we got outside. Thank the Lord for his wheelchair...
As I was helping Adam get into his chair I prayed some quick battle prayers for him and for his life and we left. He began to calm down almost immediately and we did not have to go to the nearest hospital but were able to go to Stony Brook University Hospital where most of his doctors have priviledges. (normally a 30 minute ride but Paul made it in 15)  I was so thankful as it makes the whole ordeal that much easier. Stony Brook has all of his records since the beginning of this journey when he was just 5 weeks old.
  The CT scan was ok...things looked about the same as in his last scan. The shunt x-rays were good; no breaks in the connections. The decision was that he probably had a blockage in the shunt, preventing passage of fluid out of his brain, and that it had managed to clear itself. This has happened before. This is the type of rerun surprise that we like. The other kind we will leave unexplored tonight because I don't like to visit that scenario.
So why did I name this post Goliath? After we came home today, and I had some time to think about the events of the day and to thank the Lord for His intervention. He showed me that this issue is our Goliath. It is the giant that we face and have not yet defeated. I say not yet because I believe we will have the victory. It is ours and the battle is the Lord's. I Samuel 17 tells the story of David and Goliath, how a young man defeated a giant with a sling and a stone. He did not claim any glory for himself in that victory, but gave glory to God for his success. "You come against me with spear, sword and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty....this day the Lord will hand you over to me..." We wait for the day when the Lord will hand this enemy over to us, and we stand in His name until the day of deliverance comes. I saw the connection between the brook where David selected 5 smooth stones for his sling, and the name of the hospital. Stony Brook.  With a play on words, the Lord was showing me the battle in a different light. I might select 5 stones for the battle, but just as David needed only one stone to fell his enemy, there is only One who will win the battle, and slay this enemy for us. His name is Jesus. Thank you, Lord. You are so good.

What Does Love Look Like?

I spent most of the weekend at a conference. I didn't stay overnight at the hotel as it is too expensive, and I need to go back and forth anyway to take care of my family. It is a bit draining that way, but I don't really mind except for the last night, when I get so tired and would love to just go upstairs to a nice clean room and crawl into bed and sleep for a solid eight or ten or maybe even twelve hours. So I stayed late the last night, chatting with friends and laughing a lot. "A merry heart is good like medicine.."...apparantly Adam thinks so too because he was wide awake when I got home and stayed up until after four o'clock in the morning. He thought it was good to be awake at that hour, and was happy to see me. I was looking forward to seeing him too, but I was looking forward to seeing him asleep. It is funny how God stops by and works patience into me....we laughed a little bit and I gave him all the hugs he thought he missed out on in my absence, and then sat up and waited for him to go back to sleep. He sang and talked to himself for a long time after I left his room.
  One of the conference speakers, Heidi Baker, is one of the most humble and amazing people on the planet. Her love for God and people is truly inspiring to me. No matter how much the conference staff try to gently move her into the next venue, she will always take as long as is neccesary to touch and bless and love on every single person who is waiting for her. She signs the book that you just bought; she listens to your story and the desires of your heart and she prays with you; she will not be wisked quickly away or be protected by assigned body guards...God has more important things for her to do than lunch with a waiting crowd. Her actions remind me of what Jesus said one time to His disciples who were worried about mealtime "I have food that you don't know about....what nourishes me is to love the people that my Abba puts all around me." (gg's revised  version)
Her message this weekend? "Love looks like something...it's not just words...it's actions... it's what you do." I want to be one who loves in word and deed, who reaches my hand out to a broken and dying world; but in order to do that well, I need to have the eyes to see where my Abba is sending me. Or maybe who He is sending to me. I want to go to Mozambique and experience what love in action looks like there, but I think the Lord will show me where my lunch is right here on Long Island. I'm sure it will nourish me well.

AMNESIA

I have been joking via Facebook email with a friend about my evil thoughts. I told her she would not even want to know what I sometimes think. She tells me she's got me covered, and that 99% of the time I am good and my thoughts are good. I tell her she must be busy. She writes back and says"busy with what?" I say "covering my evil thoughts. She says she loves me and she's got AMNESIA! Now I can't stop laughing and am thinking what a good post I can get out of this. She tells me she's like God and has amnesia about my bad doings.....
Even though we are joking, she is so right. God has amnesia when it comes to our sins. The bible tells us that "He remembers our sins no more". That sure sounds like amnesia to me. Isn't it great how God stops by even when we are fooling around? I think He likes it so much when we make each other laugh. " He who sits in the heavens laughs"...and we are made in His image. I think we should laugh a lot more. We are much nicer to be around when we can laugh at the silly things and even the not-so-silly things going on every day. I know I often take myself too seriously. Anybody want to help me out of that habit? AMNESIA. Word for the day.
Maybe for the week. Maybe for the rest of my life. I wonder how many "bad doings" I can get amnesia about. Not only mine, but for the offenses that happen every once in a while. I want to be like the God who forgets. Thanks, Jewel. Sweet dreams tonight.

here is my truth of the morning

here is my truth of the morning

   no one walks with me
where the pain is the deepest
no one can hear where my heart breaks inside

we live in this place
our hearts crashed and shattered.
we can't weep together, can't bear it.
it lives in the well of unspoken grief.

we touch it and retreat---
and smile at each other
maybe next time.

Lord You are faithful to prick this place
   everytime.
 ........and we walk together briefly.

 i'll try again tomorrow.

PAUSE

my poor blog has be neglected...abandoned....ignored. WOW! Kinda like some people. I have been asking myself lately, "What would Jesus do?" But I really mean it. Not some easy out or skip around it stuff, but REALLY, what would He do in the circumstance I am finding myself in? Question # 1.
My pastor has been preaching on mercy these last few weeks. I hear this. Am I this? Question  #2 which I am contemplating as I wonder if I can make room in my life for some people and things that I don't really WANT to make room for. As I ponder some relationships I have let go of because they are just too hard. (sigh). I keep coming back to that same question "What would Jesus do? REALLY."
 Honestly, I don't know. But I am still asking. I think God has stopped by and put my process on PAUSE. At least this area of process. I don't feel the need to rush into understanding, just to get there. Maybe I am like the Grinch; my heart is two sizes too small. Not always, but it does seem to shrink a bit when I think on these things. That usually means that I am in for some serious stretching. Where is Cindy Lou Who when I need her?

Favor

Last Friday was my 58th birthday. Paul wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate. We arranged for our daughter to take care of Adam. Now I just had to decide where to go. Paul had checked several of the local seafood reataurants to find out if they had soft shell crabs on the menu, which are available for a short time in the summer, and one of my favorite things to eat. No one had them..we either missed the season or they were not available due to over fishing restrictions in this area.
I decided I would like to go to the Harbor Crab restaurant. They are not far from our home and have had great food the few times we have eaten there.
We arrived at about 6:45 p.m. and were told that we could not be seated outside(which was one of the reasons why I had chosen this place) as there would be a 2 hour wait. If we wanted to wait for 15 minutes, we could get a table inside. We decided to wait.
We sat in the entry area and listened to the different customers as they arrived for dinner. Many left dissappointed as the wait time grew longer and longer. We discovered that they take reservations, and were sorry we hadn't known that. There were reservations made for over 200 that evening. Did I mention that there were power boat races on the bay that weekend? We were lucky to have arrived ahead of the unreserved crowd.
Paul had forgotten his glasses in the truck, and he can't read the menu without them. I went out to get them as his knees were really bothering him...he needs surgery to repair damage from years of hard work, but that is another story. When I came back in, I sat near the hostess and said"If you get a cancellation, would you consider seating us outside? It's my birthday." She replied "No way that is going to happen" and smiled. Apparantly no one cancells and we were not regular customers, so fat chance. She was really nice about it, however disappointed I might have been.
 About 5 minutes later, the girl who was seating everyone came over to us to bring us to our table. She was saying , "She NEVER does this. I can't believe it." We were asking "what are you talking about" as we were behind her in crowded and noisy hallway. "She put you guys OUTSIDE."
 WOW. I was ecstatic. It was a beautiful evening and I was so happy to enjoy the fresh air and my husband's company.No kids around to interrupt, no competion for hugs and attention. Time just for us and exactly where we wanted to be.
 As we were sitting and enjoying oysters on the half shell, I heard the quiet, lovely voice of the LORD. He said "It's the favor of God". Isn't that just like Him to give me a present for my birthday? Thanks Lord. You are so good to me.

Keys and Locksmiths

   This morning I was reading some of the newest World Vision publication to Adam. He enjoys that very much and it helps him understand a little bit about our sponsored children. I learn from it too, but today in a rather unexpected way.
   Recently, the Lord has been speaking to me about keys. Some may have noticed this on my Facebook page. I have been skating on the opportunity of  this new door that He is opening, and letting myself get too busy with other things instead of pursuing Him as hard as I can. BUT GOD is always faithful to keep pressing His point.
   The title of the article I was reading (to myself at this point) is BLESSED ARE THE LOCKSMITHS, by Bwalya Melu, interim director in World Vision's Zimbabwe office. Now a locksmith is not exactly a key, but in this case, it was. A key of remembrance.
   " When you lose a key, the first person you usually think about is a locksmith." He was feeling a bit sorry for himself as his family is back in the states, and he is missing them and worrying a bit about them. He was also worried about the finances for the children in the programs that he is overseeing. "And then I found my locksmith.", he stated.
   The locksmith is 12 year old sponsored boy named Learnmore. He lives with his grandparents as his mother died of cancer when he was just 3 years old, and his father deserted the family. Seven cousins also live there, with no means of support as his grandparents are both unemployed. Learnmore also has hydrocephalus. As soon as I read those words, my suspicions were confirmed. There is a picture of this little boy, whose head is extremely enlarged due to his condition being untreated. No money, no hospital, no life and ability saving shunt being placed.
     Hydrocephalus, in layman's terms, is water on the brain. Fluid accumulates in the cavities of the brain and cause the skull to enlarge. In infancy, the brain can tolerate this somewhat, but once the skull has fused, it can no longer expand to accomodate the enlarging organ.  Untreated, the pressure causes physical and developmental disabilities, and eventually, death. Most untreated children do not live past their teens. This child was in a hospital 500 miles away from his home, thanks to World Vision's intervention for him. According to the author of this article, "...the boy had one of the brightest smiles and most exhuberant personalities I have ever encountered. He talked incessantly about what he will do when he gets better. 'These legs are not made of wood, but of flesh,' he told me. 'One day I will go to school and beat my cousins in a race.' Unable to contain his high spirits, Learnmore broke into song. 'Raise your hands and praise the Lord, and He will bless you.'" WOW. Such a heart full of gratitude and glory for God. And that smile. It is clearly visible in the small photo of him. It IS big, bright and beautiful
    For those of you who may read this and do not know us, Adam also has hydrocephalus. He was first shunted in infancy, at 2 1/2 months of age. He had 3 surgeries that first year, because his shunt fails often. It gets clogged up and the fluid cannot pass any longer. The valve needs to be replaced when this happens. Over the 20 years of his life, Adam has had 21 surgeries.(one we almost don't count, because it was for appendicitis.) His last series of operations was in 2006.
.    I have been praying for his healing since he was 4 weeks old and had contracted meningitis. We did not know for days what was wrong with him,(including his pediatrician) until he had a seizure and was admitted to the hospital. It has been a long road since then, and I have had many battles with the enemy over his life. I have at times become very tired of the fight, and at times, I have been angry with the Lord over the injustice of his condition. ( I don't get angry at Him anymore, but I bet some of you can understand this,)
    For the author of this article, Learnmore was the key to reviving his passion for ministry. Today, I was given a key of remembrance by a little boy whom I will never meet, who lives half a world away from me. I am reminded to always be thankful for the doctors who intervened, for those who drew near to support us, and most especially, to the Lord who saved his life when the professionals around him thought he would not make it through the first night in the hospital. I am thankful that we live in a country where excellent medical care is available, and that we live near a hospital that is a medical center of excellence. It is only about 15 miles away  not 500.
   I am also reminded that God does not let go of us, even when we fail to be thankful and to pursue the things He shows us. He wants to give good things to us even more than we want to receive them.
   Learnmore. An interesting name, don't you think? Today, in my heart and mind, he has another name. It is Teachmore. He has taught me well. Thank You Lord, for stopping by first thing this morning. You are so good.

Something Pink

God stopped by at 8:33 this morning. He came during the rush of waters at my beautiful new grandaughter's birth. I am so blessed to have been there to help and coach my daughter through a very difficult delivery.
I saw Him in Maggie Rose's beautiful little face. I saw Him in my son-in-law Sal's eyes as they filled with love for his wife and precious baby girl. I saw Him in the care and kindness of the midwife who delivered her, and I saw Him in the hands of the nurses who helped Jodi through 14 hours of labor. I saw Him in the face of the med student who was there to watch her very first birth. She plans on being an obstetrician one day. Today, she went unexpectedly  from being a watcher to being a participater as the nurse let her have hands on and help support Jodi as she was delivering her first little girl.(Jodi has 2 sons)
Some people don't realize how close God is in the everyday pieces of life. I take Him for granted too, sometimes. But not today. How precious is the gift of life. God stops by every day, in hundreds of thousands of lives, as children are born to anxiously waiting parents and grandparents and brothers and sisters and all the extended family members. I am remembering that today. I hope I never forget.

Suffering.

I don't understand this suffering aspect of our relationship with God. Just when I think I'm gaining some ground, it gets swept out from under me. Maybe that is the point. Suffering lets me know I'm on shaky ground sometimes. God shakes things up, so that what remains is of Him.
"Everything that can be shaken will be shaken." I just don't like it when it is my faith.
I know and believe in healing, yet sometimes I just don't see the results to my prayers that I would really like to see.
Then I question what I have prayed, what I need to pray, what did I miss? Does He even hear me?  I know that He does, but it is hard right now.
And when I weep, is it for myself, or for the one I am praying for? Is it for frustration, or for deeper intercession? It is hard to know when the one I am praying for is so close to me. I struggle with what is fair and what is Justice? Let Your Justice come, o God....he has waited for so long.
It isn't my suffering that I'm talking about, by the way, it is the suffering of another that is breaking my heart once again.
And so I surrender to the Lord and His comfort, which I used to bargain about. " I don't want Your comfort, Lord. I want You to heal him."  Not a good thing , I discovered, because then He removed His presence. I can't live like that, so I don't bargain any more. Well, not usually anyway. Now I still want that healing, but I let the Lord comfort me so that I have strength for the journey.
So God stops by in our pain and brings His comfort....and we ride the tidal wave of this round of sickness...but we are at the crest of the wave..now if I can just catch the view.....

Tuesdays

God usually stops by on Tuesday mornings. Our prayer meeting is every Tuesday, and it has been going for the better part of the last 14 years. Patti and I often try to figure out when we started, but the closest we can get is that her daughter Jackie was an infant.She is 15 now.
 I have learned so much about intercession from just doing it. I don't know where to start; so much happened today. Adam was home from school  as he has not been well. There was a temptation to close the meeting today, but I really felt that the Lord wanted us to meet. It seems that I was right. We spend most of our time worshipping the Lord, and the prayers come out of that worship. Today, during a pretty intense time, Adam came over and flipped open his bible. I had brought it out for him as he will come and join us, or watch t.v., and come back again and ask to see HIS bible. That is just what he did today, but when he flipped it open, I felt the prompt from the Lord to look. He had opened to Ezra 10:1. "Ezra was praying and admitting to God that his people had sinned. He was sobbing and throwing himself down in front of the house of God.  Then a large crowd gathered around him. Men, women and children were there. They too sobbed bitterly."  ( New International Readers version) This is the Super Heroes Bible,and has stories as well as scripture, to explain what is happening. I read all of this story to the girls at the meeting. It tells how Ezra knew the people were still sinning in spite of the fact that the Lord had set them free from slavery.They still had not asked God to forgive them.
 The presence of the Lord increased dramatically, and so did the intercesson and the weeping for the lost, and for the sins of God's people. I guess you had to be there, but it was truly powerful. We prayed for ourselves, for our church, for our nation...we confessed our sin and our need for Him. It was a very anointed time.
 I have often heard a phone ringing during our meetings. I always look to see if it is my phone, and it isn't. I always ask the Lord "what is that?" He hasn't given me a clear answer until today. My pastor has recently had the same thing happening, and someone told him,"God is calling you." I remembered that, and felt like the thing to do was to answer the phone. So I did. " Hello LORD Hello, LORD." And I began to sing to Him about His calling to us.  And He WAS calling. We were overcome by His presence. Just awesome. I remembered how when I was a little girl, my mom would come to the front door to call us in from playing. She would call us by name, and we would answer.. "I'm  coming!" And we began to answer His call in the same way. "I'm coming, Father, I'm coming!"  What a flood of joy followed!
He wants our hearts. He wants us to come to Him in the simplest of ways, like a child. This is what we did today, and our Father stopped by. He stayed for a long time. We loved it.

Adam's dream

So, Adam is back to school after being home sick for a week. He's feeling better, but still hates going to school. I guess I don't blame him. He's been in one program or another since he was 3 months old. Adam had meningitis and sepsis when he was just 5 weeks old; he has had many struggles during his lifetime, and has overcome so much, but the diseases left him with some disabilities and one of those is great difficulty communicating and speaking. He is a truly loving and forgiving person; I learn so much from him.
This morning, as usual, he did not want to wake up. He resisted even in spite of teasing and threats to dump him off his mattress. (which I threaten often but would never do. It just makes him laugh.) When I finally got him out of bed, and was helping him dress, he said "an ocean". I asked "an ocean?" He said "yes, an ocean." He thought for a moment and continued, "an ocean.....................of Jesus."  I asked, "were you dreaming about being in an ocean of Jesus?"  He replied. "yes."   I could feel the presence of the Lord around him. I would not have wanted to get up either. So sorry, Adam. I wish you could stay in that place forever. Then again, maybe you do.  Thanks, God, for stopping by. and staying.

God Stopped By

I've never had a blog before, but I have been mulling over writing one. You see, God has been stopping by, and I want to share some of my stories of when He does. He has a wonderful way of showing up unexpectedly.
My favorite times are when He surprises me and speaks through His creation. This past year, He has done that so often, that I think He is really trying to get my attention.
I think that the first thing that happened was on the Saturday before Easter. I had been in my bedroom praying, and when I came out and went into the back of my house into the family room, I saw a most beautiful sight; an oak tree that looked as though it was on fire! Not just any fire, but the way the sun was hitting it, the trunk and two horizontal branches were lit up like a flaming cross. I couldn't believe it! Iasked my husband if he could see it too, and at first he just said.."See what? I don't see anything." I made him get up and look because I wasn't sure if it was a vision or if I was seeing things. He begrudgingly got up, but immediately got excited and said "Yeah! I see it ! I see it! Amazing!" I grabbed the camera and ran outside in my bare feet to snap a few shots; I was afraid it would fade away if I took the time to get a coat and put on my shoes. I got four good shots and hurried back inside; I was freezing.
As I walked back to the house, I turned around to look one more time...it was already fading. By the time I got inside and closed the door, it was gone. The whole thing lasted maybe five minutes. It took my breath away. It still does.
I should mention that it had been raining for about three weeks at that time; we had hardly seen even a peek of sunlight for many days. It continued to be rainy for a few more days after that. The following day we had a bit of sun at around the same time of day and I looked for the fire tree again. I could see an echo of what had been there, but nothing so splendid as the sight we were treated to on the previous afternoon. There is now an 8x10 glossy photo hanging on my kitchen wall. You are welcome to come and see it. Have a cup of tea with me, and I'll tell you another story or two if you like.

Skeptics say it was just a coincidence. Those who think along the same trails as me believe that God stopped by. What do you think?