Well here we are at part three and the last of my story, I hope. I don't want to drag it on for too many days...
My surgery was scheduled for early September. I was looking forward to getting it over with and a bit scared at the same time. In the back of my mind I wondered what would happen if I woke up halfway through the procedure and felt everything they were doing but was paralyzed and couldn't tell them! I spoke with the anesthesiologist about all that, and she assured me that your body wakes before your brain and there are definite signs that you are beginning to wake up. Your extremities start moving around and then they give you more drugs. I felt better after that talk. I have had surgery before, but never such a long one.
Paul was worried and wonderful at the same time. He couldn't do enough for me, but was also making sure I would go through with it. I had some ups and downs and ins and outs as I contemplated losing a breast; was I going too extreme, should I just wait until they decide in a few years that you don't need to have a mastectomy for dcis because it rarely leaves the breast; so many thoughts and a husband determined to keep me on track. He was scared to death of losing me. I was irritated at having to go through all of it. My daughters were wonderful and encouraging and full of questions but also considerate of whether or not I felt like talking; I almost always feel like talking.
So much needed to be arranged; who would take care of Adam, who would watch Gavin as I went through months of recovery and not being allowed to lift anything. Gavin is one of my grandchildren; I have been blessed to care for all of the grandkids while their moms work. I didn't need to worry; Jodi took family medical leave and Paul arranged to use vacation time and sick time for two months until I could get back to normal living.
My surgery day came and everything went pretty much as I had been told. I went to sleep and woke up as if it had only been a few minutes, but it had been eleven and a half hours. Paul was right there as I woke in a swirling mass of pain. He called the nurse over and she asked me a few questions and then gave me more morphine. I went to sleep. I barely remember being transported to my room or anything really for the next 24 hours. I do remember Paul wanting me to eat and drink..he was so sure I needed food. Dr.Palmeijer came in and assured me that my appetite would return as my body shook off the effects of so much anesthesia. "Don't worry about eating, you will when you can digest it." Paul stopped worrying, and I began to realize why Adam will never eat after he has surgery. His body takes much longer than mine did to recover.Also, I could hardly believe what I looked like! I was swollen beyond belief. I looked like I had been stung by a thousand bees. My hands could hardly bend to grasp anything. YUUUCCCHH!! Ug--ly!
The following day I was allowed to leave ICU and go to the regular floor. I had been able to get out of bed and I had been walking well around the unit. After we settled in, Paul washed my hair for me and helped me sponge bathe...I told you before that he is the best nurse ever. My sisters came to visit, friends dropped by, my pastor came in, and I couldn't wait to get out of there. I stayed for five days. I forgot to mention that my plastic surgeon is a young man and very good looking. It is strange when you get to the place where your doctors are so much younger than you. He is married, but that doesn't stop the young women from drooling over him. My sisters were about as shocked as I was over his age.(considering that plastic surgery is a specialty and adds a few more years onto medical school. and that he is an assistant professor at the university) But all the nurses told us what a genius he is, and they are right; my breast is rather beautiful, even if I do say so myself. But you'll have to take my word for it.:0}
I went home and had a visiting nurse for a few days. I had four drains hanging out of my body. This presented a problem going home, as I knew that Adam would be very upset at seeing them...he understands operations all too well. I designed a small apron to hold them and my sister made it for me. What a blessing! It supported them and kept Adam and everyone else from seeing them and what was inside them. It was 2 weeks before the last one was out. Paul did my dressing changes and helped me in and out of the shower; he scrubbed my back and washed my feet. Then helped me dress. He cooked and cleaned and bathed Adam and got him off to school every morning and off the bus every afternoon. What a culture shock for him! He is the chief custodian of our high school, and in charge of a 500,000 square foot building full of 200 teachers and 3,000 students. He runs a crew of 20 over three shifts. He thinks his job is easier than mine :0}
My church friends came and visited and brought us meals and desserts. I appreciated the company more than anything else.
I went to see Dr. Palmeijer after a week. The results were in from the breast biopsies. There was another area of cancer that did not show up on the mammogram. I was glad I had the mastectomy and knew I had made the right decision. I would have been back in the O.R. in another year or two.
I have had more surgery since then to repair my abdomen. The muscle seperated and I now have mesh in there. I would not recommend the TRAM flap surgery that I had; it messes with your core and if your muscles do not hold up you end up with mesh to hold your guts in place. I did not think that through, but I will say that in over 1,000 patients with this plastic surgeon, there are only two of us that have had this problem. There is another procedure called the DIEP flap, and that uses skin and fat only. I have a cousin by marriage who has had that done, and 5 years later she is very happy with her results.
The end of the story is that I am cancer free. I am healthy and happy. I would not want to go through this again, but if that day comes I will. Through it all, Jesus has been my strength and the One Who loves me best. Paul loves me best too. I have learned that I can survive anything, that I have stories worth telling, that no matter how dark it gets it will get brighter again, and that I am loved.
When I thought about cancer in the beginning, I thought of it as the great divider. Most people can't relate to you when you have cancer; it makes things awkward and they don't know what to say. So they avoid you.
I learned that cancer is also the great joiner. It joins your family closer together, it causes you to look at your life and what is important, it helps you begin to say "I love you" more than ever because you realize you might not be there one day to say it. Cancer comes to destroy, but it actually builds. HA! I LOVE THAT! Cancer accomplishes the exact opposite of what it was sent for. I have a freedom now that I never had before. Life is too precious to let anything destroy what you are trying to build. I am trying new things and taking risks I never took before. I am not worried about being perfect..I can make mistakes as I learn and it is not a tragedy. I can value my past even as I learn to not live in it or by it. Life is good and I intend to enjoy the rest of mine. By the way, I plan to live to be at least 100, so if you are following my blog you may be following it for a very long time. In case you didn't realize, blogging is one of my new things.
So God stopped by in this journey. Actually, He never left. I hope you will stop by often. I like sharing my life with you. The kettle is on for tea anytime, and if you happen to like coffee, I will be happy to brew some up for you. If you are really lucky, it may be on a baking day.
My surgery was scheduled for early September. I was looking forward to getting it over with and a bit scared at the same time. In the back of my mind I wondered what would happen if I woke up halfway through the procedure and felt everything they were doing but was paralyzed and couldn't tell them! I spoke with the anesthesiologist about all that, and she assured me that your body wakes before your brain and there are definite signs that you are beginning to wake up. Your extremities start moving around and then they give you more drugs. I felt better after that talk. I have had surgery before, but never such a long one.
Paul was worried and wonderful at the same time. He couldn't do enough for me, but was also making sure I would go through with it. I had some ups and downs and ins and outs as I contemplated losing a breast; was I going too extreme, should I just wait until they decide in a few years that you don't need to have a mastectomy for dcis because it rarely leaves the breast; so many thoughts and a husband determined to keep me on track. He was scared to death of losing me. I was irritated at having to go through all of it. My daughters were wonderful and encouraging and full of questions but also considerate of whether or not I felt like talking; I almost always feel like talking.
So much needed to be arranged; who would take care of Adam, who would watch Gavin as I went through months of recovery and not being allowed to lift anything. Gavin is one of my grandchildren; I have been blessed to care for all of the grandkids while their moms work. I didn't need to worry; Jodi took family medical leave and Paul arranged to use vacation time and sick time for two months until I could get back to normal living.
My surgery day came and everything went pretty much as I had been told. I went to sleep and woke up as if it had only been a few minutes, but it had been eleven and a half hours. Paul was right there as I woke in a swirling mass of pain. He called the nurse over and she asked me a few questions and then gave me more morphine. I went to sleep. I barely remember being transported to my room or anything really for the next 24 hours. I do remember Paul wanting me to eat and drink..he was so sure I needed food. Dr.Palmeijer came in and assured me that my appetite would return as my body shook off the effects of so much anesthesia. "Don't worry about eating, you will when you can digest it." Paul stopped worrying, and I began to realize why Adam will never eat after he has surgery. His body takes much longer than mine did to recover.Also, I could hardly believe what I looked like! I was swollen beyond belief. I looked like I had been stung by a thousand bees. My hands could hardly bend to grasp anything. YUUUCCCHH!! Ug--ly!
The following day I was allowed to leave ICU and go to the regular floor. I had been able to get out of bed and I had been walking well around the unit. After we settled in, Paul washed my hair for me and helped me sponge bathe...I told you before that he is the best nurse ever. My sisters came to visit, friends dropped by, my pastor came in, and I couldn't wait to get out of there. I stayed for five days. I forgot to mention that my plastic surgeon is a young man and very good looking. It is strange when you get to the place where your doctors are so much younger than you. He is married, but that doesn't stop the young women from drooling over him. My sisters were about as shocked as I was over his age.(considering that plastic surgery is a specialty and adds a few more years onto medical school. and that he is an assistant professor at the university) But all the nurses told us what a genius he is, and they are right; my breast is rather beautiful, even if I do say so myself. But you'll have to take my word for it.:0}
I went home and had a visiting nurse for a few days. I had four drains hanging out of my body. This presented a problem going home, as I knew that Adam would be very upset at seeing them...he understands operations all too well. I designed a small apron to hold them and my sister made it for me. What a blessing! It supported them and kept Adam and everyone else from seeing them and what was inside them. It was 2 weeks before the last one was out. Paul did my dressing changes and helped me in and out of the shower; he scrubbed my back and washed my feet. Then helped me dress. He cooked and cleaned and bathed Adam and got him off to school every morning and off the bus every afternoon. What a culture shock for him! He is the chief custodian of our high school, and in charge of a 500,000 square foot building full of 200 teachers and 3,000 students. He runs a crew of 20 over three shifts. He thinks his job is easier than mine :0}
My church friends came and visited and brought us meals and desserts. I appreciated the company more than anything else.
I went to see Dr. Palmeijer after a week. The results were in from the breast biopsies. There was another area of cancer that did not show up on the mammogram. I was glad I had the mastectomy and knew I had made the right decision. I would have been back in the O.R. in another year or two.
I have had more surgery since then to repair my abdomen. The muscle seperated and I now have mesh in there. I would not recommend the TRAM flap surgery that I had; it messes with your core and if your muscles do not hold up you end up with mesh to hold your guts in place. I did not think that through, but I will say that in over 1,000 patients with this plastic surgeon, there are only two of us that have had this problem. There is another procedure called the DIEP flap, and that uses skin and fat only. I have a cousin by marriage who has had that done, and 5 years later she is very happy with her results.
The end of the story is that I am cancer free. I am healthy and happy. I would not want to go through this again, but if that day comes I will. Through it all, Jesus has been my strength and the One Who loves me best. Paul loves me best too. I have learned that I can survive anything, that I have stories worth telling, that no matter how dark it gets it will get brighter again, and that I am loved.
When I thought about cancer in the beginning, I thought of it as the great divider. Most people can't relate to you when you have cancer; it makes things awkward and they don't know what to say. So they avoid you.
I learned that cancer is also the great joiner. It joins your family closer together, it causes you to look at your life and what is important, it helps you begin to say "I love you" more than ever because you realize you might not be there one day to say it. Cancer comes to destroy, but it actually builds. HA! I LOVE THAT! Cancer accomplishes the exact opposite of what it was sent for. I have a freedom now that I never had before. Life is too precious to let anything destroy what you are trying to build. I am trying new things and taking risks I never took before. I am not worried about being perfect..I can make mistakes as I learn and it is not a tragedy. I can value my past even as I learn to not live in it or by it. Life is good and I intend to enjoy the rest of mine. By the way, I plan to live to be at least 100, so if you are following my blog you may be following it for a very long time. In case you didn't realize, blogging is one of my new things.
So God stopped by in this journey. Actually, He never left. I hope you will stop by often. I like sharing my life with you. The kettle is on for tea anytime, and if you happen to like coffee, I will be happy to brew some up for you. If you are really lucky, it may be on a baking day.
