STILL STANDING

She is a warrior.....
  not because her faith is perfect.
                  it isn't.

not because she never wavers......
         she does.

Her armor is silver....because she is
  one of the redeemed ones.
            but
it's dented and it's bloodied
and it's covered in tears

her sword is at her hand, on her side
    but she carries it always ready
            in her spirit

Her helmet also bears the marks
  of many battles....
  but it is her glory to wear it

Her boots are dusty, dirty..
  and worn from her long journey
   but they bring peace wherever she goes

Her shield is faith...it too has
  taken a beating
  but she comes back every time to fight again

her war has been long and
      she gets tired

     But still, she stands

Her hair is silver and grey, her face, wrinkled
   her body, weaker
and yet, she is stronger

 She is beautiful
She is a warrior

And the glory of the LORD is her rear guard....
to keep her in all her ways.



Ephesians 6:10-17, Isaiah 58:8

THE VEIL WAS THIN..... JO'S STORIES...and a small one of mine

2004 is the year that my mother died. She had COPD, emphysema, from years of smoking, and she was on oxygen 24 hours a day. My father added extra lengths of tubing to the machine that concentrated her oxygen from room air. That gave her freedom to go anywhere in their house with no need to move a big tank around with her. Then she caught a cold. She was hospitalized a few days later and I went down to help. She had developed pneumonia and was very ill.  It was decided between all of us that I would stay as long as I could for the first round as it would be easier for Adam to deal with me being gone for a while rather than going home and then going back to take another turn caring for her. I was there for three weeks. There was so much grace for me; I took the overnight shifts at the hospital and my father stayed with her during the day. My aunt would also go during the day to give my father breaks. I would leave the hospital in the morning and go for a drive and then go back to the house to catch a few hours of sleep. I actually slept very little because I just couldn't; but I had plenty of energy and felt fine.

During the third week it became obvious that my mother was not going to survive this illness, and my sisters came down to North Carolina to spend some time with her at the hospital and to keep my father company there and at home. Towards the end of the week, most of our family came down to see her and say their goodbyes. On her last day, we all were gathered around her at her bedside. The hospital was quite obliging as it was a small hospital, was not full, and believed in giving family as much grace as they were able to. We prayed for her , talked to her, went in and out of her room. She was no longer conscious and was hovering in the place between this life and the next. 

Jo told me later about the very large angel that was stationed just outside the doorway of Mom's room. She said that she felt him before she saw him. 

"He was very tall and muscular. His wings were huge! They were at his side but I could see how large they were; they were the full length of his body. His presence filled the room with strength. I knew he would protect her on her journey; she would be safe with him. The veil was so thin, that's why I could see him. He wasn't a vapor or 'ghost like', for lack of a better term. he was right there with us, clear as day but not solid. I guess he was just the other side of the veil, letting us know he was waiting for Mommy."

She went on to say that it was sort of like looking through a piece of very fine fabric, but it was also clear.

Two and a half years later, our father was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a type of cancer. By the time they find it, you have very little time left. He had moved to Pennsylvania to be near family, and Jo was helping him with everything. I went down to help for what turned out to be his last week. Our sister Pat and her husband were there too. Dad had a hospital bed in the living room, Pat and her husband had the spare bedroom, and Jo and I shared Dad's bedroom. Dad was sedated because of the extreme pain of this cancer and needed total care.Three days before he died, Jo woke up and saw Dad standing in the hallway. She said that he looked wonderful, that his eyes were the brightest blue they had ever been, and he was looking in the bedrooms at us and then smiling. His eyes were full of a joy that she had never seen in him before. Then she told him to go back to bed. He just smiled and turned around and did a little jig and went back to bed. Her telling of this to me enabled me to see him the same way. It still gives me happiness. 

Jo will tell you that she didn't understand this place of in between at the time; she was in the place between awake and asleep, where the veil is thin, but didn't know what that was. Dad was in that place too, but his spirit was out of his body. You see, he had not been able to walk anymore since the cancer had made him so weak, and as I said, he was sedated. There was no way his body got out of that bed. After that experience, she knew he would be leaving us soon. And he did. 

Three days later, Dad was sleeping and I was reading next to his bed. I heard the LORD speak. He said, "Go outside and take the dog with you."  I was completely surprised at this, but got up and got the dog's leash. Dixie and I went outside; the door was open as it was a beautiful fall day and we sat on the porch. We immediately fell asleep. Ten minutes later I suddenly woke up and the oxygen concentrator was not making any noise. I quickly went in the house to check my father, and he was gone. Just like that. When I told the hospice nurse this story, she said that many people prefer to be alone when they die. God knew better than we did and had arranged it so that my brothers and sisters had gone out to pick up food for all of us for dinner and I was the only one home with Dad. Much easier than making everyone go to sleep, don't you think? 

God stops by in our every day times, our busy times, our happy times and our sad times. He brings us views of things that are better than we know, just so that we'll know. He speaks to one for the benefit of the other. He even puts us and our dog to sleep to accomplish His purposes. Aren't you glad He does? He just loves us that much. 

Blessings for a good night's sleep. May your dreams be filled with Him.

GOD AND MY SISTER JO  When the veil is thin

I'm sharing stories today at the request of my sister. They're her stories. She felt that it might bless others to read them. I think so too. I asked her to send them to me so that I could share them accurately and without too much of me in the mix. She did. What follows are experiences that happened to her when the veil was thin. 

What do I mean by that? It's when you know or see in another dimension of being than your every day experience of life. A place where you don't quite fit, and yet, there you are. Sometimes , oftentimes, this happens when you are between the place of being awake and asleep. Other times it happens when you're praying. Or when you're just minding your own business and God still has a plan of His own for you....

This short poem is from the Lord and is about her husband, who is gravely ill. He gave it to her in the in-between-place; not quite awake, and yet, not sleeping...  The next part will also be about her husband. He has end stage renal failure and metastatic kidney cancer. His time on earth is short now. He will soon meet Jesus face-to-face, but not just yet. Please read on...

The Flower

The brilliance of its color

The fragrance, so sweet

Fading

Almost gone

The color lingers in my mind's eye

So sweet, the fragrance never leaves me

Imprinted on my heart

Forever

So simple, so beautiful, so tender. It made me weep when she sent it to me.  She said that it was just there, in her head, like the first Spanish dialog she remembers from school. (We used to memorize dialogs to help us understand how the language flows together.) She was saying how her husband has some very bad times now, and some good times. She wrote it down quickly and sent it to me so she would have it, and what a gift it is to her. 

The next day, I called and she had another experience when the veil was thin....this one was quite different. She told me that the night before, there was a man on her lawn, and he was looking in the windows. He also walked around the outside of the house a bit, looking for a way to get in. He was all tan; everything was. Even the grass was tan; she especially remembers the grass. She could not see his face or hands; no skin was visible at all. He was wearing a hat with a large brim so she couldn't see his face.

She wrote, "I prayed him away, told him to leave. He was at the end of the sidewalk and then he was gone.  I told him to leave and that I would not let him in. I was in that place where God meets me. So close that even though death was near I had no fear. I knew we were safe. It is not like being asleep or awake, or like when you just wake up. It is different. It is a place of unexplainable peace and safety." She goes on the say "The safety of that place is like a warm, weighted blanket. You feel peace and safe. Almost like a cuddle, but you don't feel a touch; your whole body is wrapped up in the safety of God."

We talked about her experience; the tan man was death. It came for her husband, but it is not his time yet. He isn't ready. They had talked about this and how he would know and she would know the time.  It isn't far, but it isn't yet.  

I spent some time again today reading about the Shunemite. (My last post if you missed it.) I'm still regarding her and me and in my own difficult time. I had a hard morning and spent the worship service sitting in the common area. I needed time alone but not away.... the Lord gave me a psalm to write about what Jo has experienced as I sat and read and prayed....

   Death came---she saw him. She said "No." She said, "Go away."

She said, "Leave." and she closed the doors to him. 

She locked the doors---he sought to enter, she saw and stopped him.

She used her words; her words had power, her words defeated her enemy.

She praised God in the valley; it had been a valley of death~~~~

It became a valley of praise~~~~~~

God is in all of the things that go on in our lives; we just need to stop and acknowledge Him. He brings sweetness beyond compare in the hardest of times, the most difficult of times. He did this for Jo. She wanted me to share her stories so that you might come to know that He'll do it for you too. 

Good night sweet friends. Thank you for stopping by. May God stop by your home and in your dreams tonight.

 

 THE SHUNEMITE

 

Many years ago the Lord spoke to me and gave me a scripture in 2Kings. It was 1998. Adam was having terrible headaches, and we were just so frustrated and hoping to avoid another surgery. At this time in his life Adam had very little speech. But he felt so awful, and he would just say or scream, "My head, my head!"... and I knew he was suffering terribly. I would pray for him, give him Motrin or Tylenol, and pray some more. He got some relief, but not much. One day as I was hanging laundry on the line and Adam was sleeping, I was praying and crying out to the Lord and asking why He wasn't answering my prayers. Why was Adam suffering so much?  "I didn't ask you for a son; I didn't ask you for this child...." I was afraid he would die.....  God did not answer these prayers as I would have liked. Instead, He gave me a scripture. 1Kings 18. So I read the whole chapter. 

The funny thing is that in this story, the son of the Shunemite was having similar problems, and they were saying much the same things we were.  Her son was out in the fields with his father, and had become ill. He went to his father and said, "Oh, my head! My head!" And the father told the servants to take him to his mother. 

They did, and the child sat in her lap until noon that day, and then he died. The Shunemite took the child and laid him on the bed of the man of God, Elisha, whom she and her husband had provided an upper room for him to stay when he came through the area. She left the room and shut the door. She told her husband to send her a servant and a donkey so that she could go to Elisha quickly and then return. When he asked her about this, she replied, "All is well." Of course it wasn't according to the actual circumstances. She told the servant to push the donkey to keep going and not to stop unless she asked him to.

Elisha sent his servant out to meet them but she wanted nothing to do with him. She would only speak with Elisha. She fell to his feet upon her arrival and the servant Gehazi tried to move her away. Elisha told him to let her be, and that she was in great distress but the LORD had hidden it from him. So she said, "Did I ask you for a son? Did I not say, 'Don't deceive me?'" 

Elisha sent Gehazi ahead of them on the return trip as the woman refused to go with him.  "As the LORD lives and as you live, I won't leave you." Gehazi got to the home first, and tried to raise the child by laying the staff of Elisha on the child's face, to no avail. He went back to meet them as they travelled and told them that the child had not awakened.  

When Elisha arrived, he went upstairs to the room where the child lay and shut the door, and prayed to the LORD. Then he lay down on the child, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his eyes on his eyes, his hands on his hands. As he did so, the child's body became warm. He got up, walked back and forth, and then laid down on the child again.The boy sneezed seven times and then opened his eyes. He sent for the woman and gave her son back to her. 

What spoke to me the first time was that the LORD knew Adam's cries of pain. He heard him. I felt somewhat comforted by this. Our trial wasn't over but I knew God was in it. 

The next time this scripture was given to me Adam was again having problems that my prayers could not defeat. But this time, I did the same thing that Elisha did; I prayed and then lay down on Adam, mouth to mouth, eyes to eyes, hands to hands. No small task with a sick child and moving target. I needed to be careful to hold my weight off him. After I got up, he sneezed six times. He got better after this, but he was not completely healed. 

This most recent time, as I returned to this scripture after a tough season over a year and a half, and 5 surgeries, I saw something different. The Shunemite. The mother. What was God saying to me about this? I had never considered this before. So I discovered as I searched that Shunem is in the area that belongs to the tribe of Issachar. This made my heart jump! I learned a long time ago that the sons of Issachar know the signs of the times AND what to do. It was about ME after all this time. It always has been about Adam, but ALSO about me. I just wasn't ready to see it. 

The Shunemite mother knew what to do for her son. She knew who could help and who couldn't. This is significant because I must also know what to do, who to go to, who can help. I often do. When I keep my peace, just as this woman did so long ago, things go much better. This past season, I lost my peace for so many reasons, and things got out of control. Fear came in for the first time in a long time. I was in a bad place. After realizing all this, I turned back to finding my place and my peace with and in God. I have always prized this place and gift above all the others in my life. It is what keeps me close to Him and in control of the situations that I need to have control of. 

The Shunemite. A daughter of Issachar. Me. Knowing the signs of the times and what to do. This awareness now is a challenge to see how else the LORD wants me to recognize who He has called me to be. I am pressing forward into more understanding and knowledge. It's a good journey. I'm in no hurry. I have all the time the LORD wants me to have to gain understanding. I know He will lead me. He will teach me. He may send others to deepen my understanding and to help me along the way. I'm looking forward to it all.

Our problems are still here. Adam is still not healed. He has new problems. I will press in to understand the time we're in and where we're going. I know God is with us. He sees what I cannot. But I will know the signs of the times. And I will know what to do. 

Peace to one and all. Thank you for reading my stories. I appreciate you. May God bless you richly.

ANGER ISSUES

Yesterday ended for us at about midnight. That's when Adam finally went to sleep....4 hours after he went to bed. He was good and patient and sometimes laughing...watching worship and the annoying ads on YouTube....

Today began at 5:30 a.m. No t.v. allowed. He's descending into whining now as I sit typing. He will probably take a nap soon. It's 7:30 a.m.

Adam has been having all kinds of difficulties lately, which means I have too. Mine are easier...I just have to deal with doctors and meds for him, and trying to get him back on an even keel; no small task, but not as bad as the pain and anxiety he deals with every day.

This season has been unlike the ones in the past......Adam's body is changing and I can't figure out what's going on. His doctors don't seem to be aware of this and just do the same old things they always do. Sometimes that amounts to nothing. That's what's been happening right now anyway. I put a call in to his neurologist for help with med changes. No call back. Thursday and Friday came and went. I needed to make a change so I went ahead and did it. Added back a med we were trying to remove because of side effects. Removing the last dose did not go well, and I needed help with putting him back on it and changing out the new doses of another one. No help, so I removed one of the added doses. He seemed to do fine with it, but his headaches were still bad and getting worse. I called the neurologist's office again on Monday. No call back. 

I called the neurosurgeon's office and asked to speak with Adam's doctor regarding the increasing headaches and irritability. They gave me an appointment for two weeks later. I asked if the doctor could please call me as I needed some advice NOW. No call back. Adam's symptoms increased to the point neither of us could deal with them any more, so off to the E.R. we went. He had increasing pain in multiple areas and increasing behaviors that we couldn't help him with; I was having increasing anger at the doctors for being so irresponsible and complete frustration over being unable to help Adam. Not a good combination.

The E.R. trip was the usual nightmare; start an i.v., get blood work done, wait for X-rays and CT scans to be done. Nothing shows anything. Blood work is ok and the things that are off are unrelated to this issue. Follow up with G.I.doctor. We already are, thank you. "Not all headaches are shunt headaches." We know this, thank you very much. Except that the guidance for a person with a shunt is very simply, "It's always the shunt." They tell you this from the time the shunt is placed because it almost always IS the shunt, and you can't afford to miss it. The cost is too high. Unfortunately for Adam, his shunt is often blocked and the scans show normal ventricles. (Where the fluid builds up in the brain.) The last surgery to relieve this found no issue; the shunt was NOT blocked. This has never happened before, and now I am at a loss as to when to push for surgery. So is his neurosurgeon. It's a wait and see game. Did I mention that we waited with headache issues for 10 days? The storms coming and going over the last few weeks wreak havoc with his head and shunt. The low barometric pressures increase the pressure in his head. It can be very difficult to determine what's going on with Adam. So anyway, as far as the tests show, Adam is safe for now. His condition at this time is not life threatening so nothing needs to be done. His quality of life is terrible, but since the last surgery wasn't needed, the risk of surgery is worse than the risk of no surgery. The proverbial "between a rock and a hard place". And by the way, Adam's surgeon was not on call, and I still haven't heard back from him.

Yesterday I called the neurologist again, but I spoke to someone at the front desk instead of following procedure and leaving a voice mail. I told the young man who answered the phone that I needed to hear from the doctor today or I was going to fire him. I told him that maybe it's the phone system that I and others have been complaining about for a long time, but that I didn't care if it was that because if I can't get hold of the doctor when I need him, I will find someone else who can help us. The person was very understanding and told me that the staff has also been complaining about the phones, and he took down information and said he would give it to the doctor. I got a call back after hours. We now have a plan to adjust Adam's meds over time and see how he does. The doctor told me the there is no record of me calling. I told him I left voice mail TWICE. He gave me his email address for future needs.

So the problem now is that I have lost my peace and I am in an angry place. There is too much happening in our family right now, much of which is too personal for another member and I will not discuss in a public forum. This person is important to us, we love them, and we respect their desire for privacy.

And I have chiggers. Lots of them. I called three doctors who were all not in and then went to urgent care. I was the sixth one that morning. I guess September of 2020 was CHIGGERS. Who knew?

Today I am going to try to make the space to spend time with the LORD and get back to my center of peace. I can't stay in this angry place much longer. I keep seeing prophetic postings of the wonderful changes that are here, are coming, are just ahead, and they just make me angrier. I just can't see it. And I'll leave it right there.

Thanks for reading today. Many blessings to you and yours. And mine. God is good, all the time. Even when I'm in a bad mood. He still stops by, even when I'm not paying attention. He's just that loving, just that caring, just the never changing always the same always steadfast One.

Special Needs Parenting

When you have a very sick child, and especially when that child goes into the hospital, you are thrown into a world that you would never imagine. I'm sure the stories are different for every family that goes through this, but this is ours. I would love to hear from others about theirs.

When the hospital is a teaching hospital, it's more intense, in my opinion. On top of the hospitalist and phlebotomists, and ct scan techs, and x ray techs, and nurses, and admitting people, you have students. You don't know that they're students at first, because they just keep coming and you just keep answering the same questions over and over and you're worried about your child, and then another one comes in, and he has more tests and they kick you out for blood draws and when you finally get back in after listening to the screaming and they tell you it's just because he's being restrained because infants don't feel pain and then they leave you alone for a bit and then....if you're like me, YOU COUNT THE SPOTS FROM HOW MANY TIMES IT TOOK THEM TO GET THE BLOOD. In Adam's case, Jodi and I counted TWELVE STICKS. Tiny spots of blood where the doctor in training couldn't get the vein and then stuck him again. And again. And again. In his arms, his hand, his neck, his head. And now instead of being just scared, you get ANGRY........ and you realize that you have a great deal to learn. So I complained. Nothing could be done at this point, except that I said I didn't want him to touch Adam again. That's when I learned that he was a student. But he did not touch Adam again. 

The staff was also buzzing around and talking about this case, and we knew one of the nurses. At one time she had been in church with us. Apparently she was talking more than she should have, and I heard something being said about a lawsuit. So I went to the desk and challenged what I was hearing. She told me that because Adam's pediatrician had not admitted Adam right away when he was first sick, that we could sue him, and I told her that we had no intention of doing that. We had enough to deal with. But, because of her interference, the staff was on their guard around us. And I told the next few people who came in that we absolutely were NOT going to sue anyone. They pretended that they hadn't heard anything, but we could tell by the change in their demeanor that they were lying.

We didn't have enough to deal with, and now we had scared staff to contend with. This person was very unprofessional and full of herself, and caused us troubles on top of our troubles. But again, we learned. I don't know if she faced any repercussions from this, but I hope she was at least confronted by her superiors. Now we know about Patient Advocates, but we didn't know about them at that time. We learned something new after Adam was admitted.

Patient Advocates work for the hospital but are there for the protection and needs of patients who may have troubles while they're in the hospital. Hopefully, you will never need one. But be sure to ask if you do. 

I think I'll stop here for today. I'll be back tomorrow. Stop in if you like; our door is always open.

The Beginning of Hard Times

Adam was born on December 19, 1989. He turned 30 on his last birthday, and it's still hard to believe he's this age.He was a beautiful little boy with a full head of dark brown hair. 6lbs. 11 ounces. Tiny and perfect to all of us. He was two weeks early, and as far as we know, he had no health issues. But...he could not nurse because he kept his tongue firmly pressed against the roof of his mouth. The nurse told his mom, my daughter Jodi and me not to worry, but I knew something was not right, as he could not latch on. For the first few weeks we had to break the suction in order to get the nipple of his bottle into his mouth. I have often thought back over this, and wondered if this was an undiagnosed sensory issue. We never got to deal with this with the pediatrician, because he got sick when he was 4 1/2 weeks old. To keep this story brief, he had two visits to the doctor's office, and calls back and forth over the next couple of days. 

One evening while Jodi was feeding him, his left leg began to twitch, and I told her to shift him to see if that would stop. It didn't. The tremor quickly continued up the left side of his body. His temperature had dropped to 94.6. And off to Stony Brook we went. By the time we got there, he was one step above coma. Through hours of exams and tests, it was determined the he had meningitis and sepsis. Group B strep. This can and often does kill. He was admitted to the PICU. And the nightmare had just started. He seized for three hours the following morning. They finally got them under control with a full dose of Ativan, after many other drugs failed. (Detail for medical friends) He was there for 5 days.

We attended an Episcopal church at that time and I called for one of the priests to come and anoint and pray for him. I had been praying for him for days before he was admitted. His symptoms went up and down.....I heard the enemy hiss the word "meningitis" one of those long nights. I told the priest that I wasn't crazy, and to please pray to break this assault against him. He agreed, and he did. And he anointed Adam head to toe. 

After we were released from the PICU to the regular pediatric floor, my husband bumped into one of the nurses who had taken such excellent care of him. She was thrilled at how well he was doing, and told my husband that they never expected Adam to make it past the first night; they were sure he would die.

When we went home 2 1/2 weeks after being admitted, and I called the pediatrician's office to set up an after care appointment, I heard the receptionist excitedly telling everyone, "The miracle baby's mom is on the phone! The miracle baby's mom is on the phone!" 

As hard as this had all been, God is good. He saved Adam's life. There are many, many stories that are interwoven with this one; I'll tell some tomorrow. 

Adam IS a miracle. And he's had a few more. We'll get there. Well, I will. It's up to you if you will. But I hope you do.

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Anyone who knows me well, knows I love to tell stories. It's been a while since I've told any here, so scroll on by if you're not interested.

Still here?

Not very long ago, God stopped by when I went shopping in Kohl's with coupons and Paul and Adam. They followed me a bit and cruised around a bit. Adam got tired so they went back to the car and people watched and drove around while I actually found a few sweaters and went to the dressing room to try them on. While I was in there, two women began talking about some clothes for one of them.

I really tried my best to butt out. I really tried so hard not to get involved.I tried not to listen but they were right next door. I felt like the one woman needed some encouragement and her friend wasn't getting through. "It's not my business," I kept protesting to the Lord. I lost the argument when I stepped out of my booth and looked at them. They were between me and escape.

So I chatted with them and gave my encouraging opinion over the clothes the one was trying to decide about. She was going on a blind date and needed some help. She is sixty and hadn't dated in a long time. I did not ask for details. She was so indecisive and I stayed with the other woman who I thought was her friend and encouraged her to try something on too. She wasn't going to, and she wasn't her friend. They had just met too! A little more time and I said I needed to leave and the one trying on clothes asked me to wait just one more outfit, so I went out to look at clothes while I waited. It also gave me an escape route. The friend who wasn't a friend followed me out.

Your gifting will always draw people to you, and I knew exactly what was happening, but I didn't have lots of time. Two men were driving around waiting for me.

Linda began chatting with me and as often happens, out came her life story. Her kids were no longer talking to her, she was separated from her husband for fourteen years because it was cheaper for him to support her than to divorce her. He poisoned their now adult children's minds in recent years, and so they turned against her and moved away from her and closer to him. She suffers from depression.

I asked her if I could pray for her, and she said yes. But then I asked if I could hug her because she needed one and she said yes. When I did, she broke down and put her head on my shoulder and sobbed in my arms for a good five minutes.

Suzanne came out of the dressing room during this and asked if everything was ok and I said it was. She continued shopping for her blind date. Linda settled down and wiped her tears and apologized for crying all over me, and I told her it was fine. She thanked me for the prayers and hugs.

I asked Suzanne if I could pray for her for anything, and she said yes, so I did, but that's another story. We didn't exchange info, so I don't know how the blind date turned out, or how Linda is doing, but I leave them in God's capable hands. If I need to know how they're doing, He can certainly arrange that just as He arranged this. And by the way, I bought two sweaters for seventeen dollars with my double discounts!